Hamburger Place X

Today, Clark, Emma, my dad and me went to Hamburger Place X. Yes, Hamburger Place X. We got in the car and Clark did not care where we were going as long as we were going out.
So my dad starts in: Let's go to that hamburger place, you know the one.
Me: Um, no.
Dad: You know the joint where Emma spilled her drink that one time.
Me: No.
Dad: You must be losing your mind. You know the one near the library.
Me: There are 3 libraries in town, which one?
Dad: You know the hamburger place near the run down shopping center.
Me: (Process of elimination running through my mind-all the libraries are near run down shopping centers)
Clark with giggles pipes in: Yeah, Honey you know the one. I was not there when Emma spilled her drink but I have been there before. You know that Hamburger Place?
Dad: You know the one near the pool. Come on, now.
Me: No,no, I have no clue (to some degree all the libraries are near pools we use).

This whole conversation was taking place while I was driving to where I did not know.

Dad: I thought I was the one getting old. You mean to tell me you live here (in Livermore) and you do not remember that time last summer when we went there.
Me: (thinking no-whatever-as if my Dad knows everything about San Ramon where he lives-okay he might after being in the same house for thirty years).

This whole scene went on and on until finally we realized on how to get to Ben's Hamburgers, but for us, from now on it will always be the Hamburger Place X.

We had a great time airing out Clark and then went downtown and let Emma play in the fountains for a minute before heading off to home for our respective naps.

Ladybugs and rainbows

Today Emma made a ladybug in her Messy Art class. And some say that ladybugs "means good luck. (like picking up a lucky penny or finding a four leaf clover)".

Then tonight at church Emma made a rainbow. On her worksheet it said "God gives the Rainbow as a sign of His Promise (Genesis 9:8-17).

I have to think that it His promise (and a little luck of the Irish) that will make Clark well.

He has had an awful past two days but now seems to be back on the mend. Perhaps someday Clark will see a ladybug on his way to his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The Golf Course and other news

Last week a local newspaper reporter and left a message. They wanted a quote from me about the current status on saving the Springtown Golf Course. For the first time in over 2 years, I had nothing to say. I know the City of Livermore is currently looking about at two proposals from different vendors to run the golf course but I am uninvolved. That is not to say I do not care. I understand that this is an election year for City Council and this could be a major issue if it is not resolved by that time.
I understand that the media is so key to keep a local issue alive and that cities do not like to be embarrassed (really who does?). I also came to learn that I am not a great public speaker but using the open format during City Council is a great media tool since it is televised on TV30, also befriending a news reporter works to an advantage.
The story ran in Sunday's paper. I am looking forward to seeing a new contract with a new vendor for the Springtown Golf Course before election time.

Then other news-
Clark and I are struggling with some family stuff (not us or Emma but others) . I have tried to stay at bay over this issue for the last few months and have tried to just let Clark deal with it. And then, someone thought it was funny to drag me into one of their jokes. However I did not think it was a joke, I was hurt, angry and I cried. Then the person e-mailed me and said they did not understand why I was so upset. So, with no grace and no prayer I sent an e-mail which in hindsight should have been sent but could have been soften a bit. I should have shown a little more mercy.
It is hard for me to have someone say "poor me I am a victim too" when my husband has stage 4 cancer with a probable chance to recover (we are not on the charts for recovery yet). I know I need to pray over this. We are in the trenches everyday and there is no time to say "o poor you" to someone who feels helplessness and does not even live with us. I pray you find something to do with your helplessness. I forgive you and as I am about to say this, please forgive me, know it is not Clark, Emma's or my responsibility to do this for you.

Joan the Book Lady

Emma calls our neighbor across the street "Joan the Book Lady." Ever since Emma was a baby, Joan has showered Emma with love/music boxes/assorted gifts and more importantly books. So the other day as Emma and I were leaving, Joan was in her garage. Joan's movement has been slowed due to age but I could still her call my name to come over. She was in her garage writing a check out for the Lymphomathon. I could have cried. I have never mentioned this to Joan. I have never asked her for money, but there Joan was writing a check. Emma and I both profusely thanked Joan the Book Lady.

Her check put the team over the new adjusted goal of $1000 (the first goal was $500). Then I looked again and my brother and Diana, the Cruz family and Linda and Phil Snyder had donated as well. It is still a month away and I cannot believe the money that has been raised. I hope as it says on the website that funds raised by participants will support the Foundation’s mission of eradicating lymphoma and serving those touched by this disease. I pray that Emma's generation is never touched by this horrible disease.

Speaking of which, Clark's hair fell out. Well it was falling out and then Clark had Emma rub the rest out; except the facial hair stayed. Now the hair on the head is growing out and the facial hair is falling out. I asked Clark to shave his mustache since there are large patches missing, but in true vanity he has decided to keep every last facial hair he can. Somehow losing his head hair did not bother him but losing his facial hair does. It is really cute on the things we hold on to and really his look is kind of endearing.

Motherhood

Being a mom what does it mean? I have thought of that all day. Clark and I struggled for so long to have Emma. Then we had her and I cannot imagine what our life would be without her. To me, everyday is mother's day, it is the gift we have of her, Emma, that makes my heart swell. She is a miracle from God to us.

I think of all the women in my life who are moms or call themselves moms. I know plenty of women who struggle to have children like we did and are true moms at heart. I however, pray for women who call themselves moms but whose gift is not parenting (I also pray for the children).

I think of how both Clark and I were raised by our dads. I know for me, my mom was not around much for me due to life, but as a grandma she is the best with Emma. I still remember the day Emma was born, my mom was sick but came to the hospital and stood in the parking lot and waved so that Clark and I would know she was there. I cannot imagine not being at the birth of Emma's children. And if need be, I would be like my mom and wave from the parking lot.

I have nursed Emma and rocked her to sleep. I have held her after she has had a seizure, RSV and the croup. I have experienced so much love, laughter and tears. I tell her every night as I put her to bed , "I love you more today, than I did yesterday or the day you were born." Emma's middle name is Noelani which means "beautiful girl from heaven" and that is what she is to us.

The Burn

Today Clark needed rest so Emma and I left. I actually had missed her so much. Almost everyday Emma was with someone while Clark and I were at the attorneys or doctors. So making sure Clark was okay, we left for a local watering hole.

I had poured sun block on Emma as I always do while we played in the water and sand. Gave her water to keep her hydrated and we had such a good time of just being mom and daughter. We missed Clark but it was nice spending one on one time with her.

Then all of a sudden I was thirsty and my skin was starting to tingle. The missing equation of Clark. We always put sun block on each other and he was not there and I had no sun block on me. Thankfully it was getting near Emma's nap time and we headed home. I was in much pain.

Once we got home and Emma down for a nap, Clark poured aloe on my back and shoulders (which in most circumstances would lead us to the bedroom for extra activities but not today). The burn was so bad and the blisters are unreal. I swallowed some pain pills to take the edge off.

Then the phone rang and a friend who we had not seen in 20 years asked to stop by. Kyle Littrell came and it was so nice to see him. Some things never change like the bonds of our youth group. When we talked it was time had never stopped. It was good to see him.

Emma and I then headed off to church. When we got back, Emma went to bed and Clark and I did the Aloe thing again (no sex this time either-and yes I explained to Julie the other night stage 4 cancer patients can still do the deed-sorry TMI-but he is my husband, really...). Now the burn hurts and I have severe blisters. Next time I will remember the sun block on Emma, me and Clark.

Thank God it is Friday at last...

What a week...

First we signed and completed the Schoening Family Living Trust. What a sense of relief. We do not have much at all but having this done also includes the Trust, the will, financial and health care power of attorney, HIPAA, personal assignment and most importantly to us is guardianship of Emma. We were always concerned about where she would go and now we know as do her potential guardians and trustees (Love you Uncle Rob/Diana and hopefully this will never come to pass). And if you have a child under eighteen years old, think about having this done (and know it is okay to name non family members as guardians and trustees).

We saw Clark's oncologist. Chester is still there but is slowly being diminished with each treatment-God willing.

Clark had the power port installed. This will help with chemo treatments and did today.

Side note to the power port installation. I am reading this book called "Out of Captivity-Surviving 1,967 days in the Colombian Jungle" by Marc Gonsalves, Keith Stansell and Tom Howes (story of three American cilivian contractors whose plane went down in the Colombia jungle and they were taken captive by FARC guerrilla soldiers) and I said to Clark "you know Honey if you had been on that plane and one of the FARC soldiers had seen the power port they would have shot you on the spot because they would have thought you had a GPS unit embedded in you." Needless to say Clark will not be taking any plane trips to Columbia until the power port is removed.

Clark's chemo went very well. We have laughed how last time at chemo the health care benefits were terminated. I was the wife who told her husband who was on the chemo drip, " Really you DID not pay the health care benefits, REALLY?" Clark said I would be that wife who would do that and my response was "Well you are not dead. You just have cancer." We have laughed over this several times. I am not a good enabler and Clark knows this. I understand that Clark is very sick but his medical team has stressed that "babying him" will actually inhibit his treatment since getting well is part of living and not "checking out." "Checking out" could mean death in a stage 4 cancer like Clark's.

In fact today we saw death knocking at a fellow chemo patient's door. She had chemo yesterday and then her fever rose to 102 degrees (which is very bad for chemo patients but she "checked out" and did not notify her medical team). So she came in today and collapsed in a chair. The medical crew literally rolled her from the chemo clinic to the hospital in fear she was going to "crash". I pray that this is never Clark. It was heart wrenching to see.

Enabling him, I will not do. Letting him "check out" will not happen on my watch. BUT I will love him and care for him as a wife should. And really Thank God it is Friday at last...