Happy New Years! Mazel tov!

I cannot believe it is going to be 2010 soon. This past year has gone by so fast!

When I started this blog, I needed a place to let my feelings out, a place to feel free to describe what was going on with our cancer journey.

What was happened was way more than I could never image.

I found my passion again for writing. I found a place to connect to others and their hearts not just through the season of cancer we were going through but being a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom, a volunteer and just being a woman.

I never imaged that people would actually want to be regular readers. I really never imagined the feedback I got here, on Facebook, on e-mail and in person. The support, love and understanding has carried me through some transition times and so I say thank you!

Over the next few weeks and months, I will be changing the name of the blog. Of what I am not sure. Suggestions and recommendations are always taken under advisement. I figure with a New Year, there are New Beginnings and New Journeys (hey-wait maybe that will be the new blog name-A New Year, A New Beginning and A New Journey-need to think about it some more).

So with much love, gratitude and blessings, have a great New Years! Mazel tov!



Today Emma and I spent the day in Santa Cruz with my best friend Terilynn. Today will always be remembered for the day that Emma wrote her own name in the sand! The look on my face is one of a mother's pure joy! Notice: I am still in my Levi's and flip flops and it is December 30th!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Aren't you ready for Christmas to be over yet?

I could not believe an employee at a store asked me this.

The answer is No, Nope and Nada.

I am not ready for Christmas to ever be over.

We have much to celebrate. First and foremost the reason for the season is the birth of Christ. Though in reality we should celebrate Jesus everyday.

So I say Merry Christmas!

And dare I say Happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays!

There seems to be some movement that we should not take the Christ out of Christmas. I do believe Jesus loved everyone-Christian, Jewish or even Muslim.

And there is much we can celebrate. Just look around. There is magic in the air and it is not of Santa in his sleigh but of goodness, kindness and love.

Let the spirit of this season be the reason why you celebrate everyday.


As I say that, I pray for our soldiers, our veterans and those who serve our land and say thank you! Know you are loved and prayed for!

My dad was right.

I think my dad (also known as Papa) will say I never tell him he is right. In fact, there are many things that I agree he is right about (but politics is not one).

However, one of the things my dad will always be right about will be a real Christmas tree that is decorated and adorned with a star.

This year, Clark and I were going to put up a fake Christmas tree as we have for the last 3 years. When my dad heard this, he said nope, you need to have a real Christmas tree for Emma. Then he added he would pay. Now that was an offer we could not refuse.

So today, the four of us went out and got the tree. It was fun to be able to judge on which tree would be the best for us. Emma had no interest and had more fun running around the tree lot.

However, when we got home. Emma loved putting the train tracks together with Papa and seeing the train run.



Now the real tree is up, the train is around it and it will be decorated this weekend.

The smell of the real tree throughout the house is wonderful.

My dad was right.


Note: As a side note to my earlier blog about the sweetness of Santa, apparently Emma was scared of the Santa that went to her school yesterday. The class was on the playground and Emma saw Santa coming from the parking lot and freaked out. Thankfully her bonus grandma was there and was able to calm her down. I wish all Santas' were as sweet as the one at Disneyland.

Kaiser does Women's Health well!

This is one of those things I have been hesitant to write but then feel that as a woman if I can help someone else I should.

Kaiser does some wonderful things. One of the best programs they have, I believe is the Women's Health Department and specifically the Pelvic Pain Center. Prior to going there I had seen my GP and a chiropractor to relieve some of the pain.

I was not really comfortable with the chiropractor. While I got out of the pain initially, I could not see myself as a long term patient there. Especially when he was throwing out terms like "chronic fatigue syndrome". Then when I was offered a "membership" like program in the mail from them, I knew I would not be back.

When the chiropractor said he thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrome, I realized that I needed to see my GP and gynecologist promptly. I had by then started to chart when the pain was horrible and it seemed to have a direct correlation to my monthly cycle. I met with my GYN and GP within 2 days of me contacting them and they both refereed me to Dr. Simpson at Pelvic Pain Center in Martinez. What a blessing.

Chronic pelvic pain exhibits many different characteristics and initially I thought the pain was in my back and my foot. I found myself limiting what I was doing to try and lessen the pain. By limiting what I was doing in my life I was also excluding exercise.

At that first appointment Dr.Simpson spent over an hour with me. She figured out a plan that worked for me including physical therapy. That was a few months ago. Now, my pain is manageable and my quality of life has substantially improved. The physical therapist Mary has been the best.

I think the biggest accomplishment for me was when we were on vacation. I did not limp and I did not have back pain even though we walked everywhere for a week. Of course, I also have been properly fitted for a bra and a good pair of athletic shoes.

I now walk almost everyday and am trying to incorporate running. After all, I am on Jen's team for 199 Relay in May 2010. I have to be ready!

Kaiser does Women's Health well, especially pelvic pain management. I am so thankful. I have a quality of life back. Thank you Kaiser!

The indignities of cancer

From my perspective. In the last year I have watched my husband get sick, lose his hair and try to muddle through the indignities of cancer and the treatment that is needed to survive.

Watching him lose the hair on his head, lose his eyebrows, eyelashes and patches of hair other places was hard. Clark said at times he felt like a mutant.

When we had to use disability passes at places where there was excessive standing like Disneyland, Clark did not want to use the pass. However in the beginning many months ago, he tired so easily it was a necessity.

This time, Clark had his hair back and some energy. We got the handicap pass but he was determined not to use it.

To me there was no sign of being sick, until...

Someone asked me about the burn marks visible on Clark's neck.

I got mad. Silly I know, but Clark had just ended several weeks of radiation. I know he had suffered enough from the indignities of cancer and now he had his hair back, his journey of cancer was still visible.

I wanted to say it was anything but cancer. Somehow I wanted to scream what business is it of yours, instead I mumbled on how it was the effects of radiation treatment for cancer.

I think I am ready for Clark to be cancer free. I am ready to have the doctor tell Clark he is a cancer survivor.

I can only pray for all those who have suffer from the indignities of cancer because it must simply suck.

The sweetness of Santa

For the celebration of Clark ending radiation, a caravan of us went to Southern California for a week. There are so many stories, so many lessons and so many things to be thankful for.

Like the sweetness of Santa.

Somewhere between the ages of 1 and 2, Emma decided she did not like Santa. She would see Santa Claus in the mall and scream.

So on this trip, when we saw Santa at Disneyland, Emma wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing at all. Delilah and the kids lined to see him and Emma stood back.

The line died down and soon there was no one waiting to see Santa.

Then Santa in all his beautiful costume walked out of his studio ever so gently to Emma. He offered her his hand and she took it! Santa spoke to Emma softly and encouraged her to come back to his "studio" to take a picture.

This Santa was a present to Emma and as a mom, I watched as Emma overcome her fear of Santa.



I will not forget the sweetness of this Santa and the way he understood children.

The end of vacation....

Note: The only person missing is Emma's bonus grandma (Delilah's grandma).

More stories and pictures to come. So happy to be home.

Livermore Moms float tonight at Livermore Downtown Holiday Sights and Sounds Parade

I knew it.

I knew it before my daughter even asked the question. I knew it because my daughter is so much like me. I knew exactly what she was going to ask so I waited.

She looked up at me without pointing and said, “ Mommy, why is that lady so short?”

The lady that Emma was referring to was about my age but only about 3 inches taller than Emma.

The pressure was on. Do I tell Emma it is impolite to ask such questions as I was told when I was younger? Do I say nothing and ignore the question? Do I just say the truth?

Then the pressure intensified, the lady looked up at me as if waiting for the answer I was going to give.

“Emma, people come in all heights both short and tall”, I answered. The lady smiled and I thought for a moment I had passed the test.

Then Emma asked, “Does she drive?”

Now I could tell other people were eavesdropping and I could feel the pressure intensify.

“Of course she drives. Silly girl” I answered.

Now I had no clue if she would drive or not. I had no clue what the lady was capable of but I knew I did not want Emma to think this lady was limited in life because of her shortness.

So the questions continued. The questions continued because my daughter is so much like me.

$650

Think of what $650 represents to you on a monthly basis. To us, it is food, gas, insurance, etc.

Now, think if suddenly you had to come up with $650 extra a month without a raise. That is what Clark and I will be doing since the Cobra Subsidy that was passed as part of the federal stimulus act in February 2009 ended this week.

Health care though Cobra for us will increase by 65% next month.

Clark was told he had cancer 4 days before he and hundreds of his coworkers were let go as part of a known lay off.

We knew at some point the Cobra Subsidy would end. We were more than thankful while it lasted and that Clark qualified for it. We were more thankful that we had health care coverage while Clark has had cancer period.

When Clark was first diagnosed with cancer, we were told to contact PG@E for rate reduction and to contact state/county programs for assistance.

The only program we qualified for was getting health care for Emma under First 5. We choose not too since she was already covered under Cobra in which we were paying.

Kaiser does offer a low cost health care program for children as well.

Since we had a mortgage we were able to pay while Clark was/is on disability, we have retirement and a few small assets we were overqualified for all state/county programs. We were overqualified because we had too much. We had worked hard to acquire a bit piece of the American dream of having a house with a yard and it was too much. We strived to achieve what generations of my family had done before.

And yes the last year, we have been more than blessed not to have had to ask my family for financial help. If we are wise, we can maybe make it another year without drowning ourselves in the sea of debt and foreclosure that so many of our friends have gone through. After a year, it remains unknown.

I wonder and pray about the thousands of others that will not be able to afford the increase in the COBRA payments. I pray for them, because someday "them" could be us.