System Overload

For the last year I have been for the most part been in the role of caregiver to Clark and full time mom to Emma. It has not been easy.

Now we will still wait for the test results on Clark’s cancer results, I am on system overload.

For the last year it has been all about Clark. We lived in Clark's world and I would never envy anyone who has cancer or the hardships they go that are horrid.

Being a caregiver, however for me became forgoing all things that made me “me” and taking care of Emma and Clark. “Me” time was a hot commodity and I seldom was able to experience it without Emma. So there is a little anger and resentment and no doubt I have work on that. Purely selfish I know when Clark had cancer, but I lost me along the way. Now I have to somehow find the time between Clark’s schedule and Emma’s schedule. The four hours a month I was previously allotted is not cutting it anymore.

Recently once again it became about Clark and I had to stop. My first reaction "time out", then of pain, hurt and finally pleading, “Please walk a mile in my shoes”. Instead I was comforted with "stop making excuses", "your focus needs to be here", and ultimately what I heard was blah, blah, blah. I shut down.

My feet were custom made by God and this is my journey so please do not draw criticism or judgment on me. If you want to help, do so please in a safe, loving manner and I can be easily be taught. I understand much more than you think.