Dear Kaiser Day Five,

Thank you said doctor for making the call from San Francisco. Thank you for letting us know that there was no "new" cancer and Clark's "original" cancer was dramatically improved. WooHoo! Thank you!

Dear Kaiser Day Four,

Still no return call to Clark. No results. Nothing. More than likely we will have to wait until said doctor returns from vacation and hopefully he will tell us good news then.

However, many of our friends have suggested ways on how to get the CAT scan read sooner, but really it is about a wife (me) letting go. I know if it were me what I would do to get the results, but for now I will do nothing.

Ok, fine I sent a little email to the charge nurse in oncology but that is it and I am letting go now.

Clark has placed calls and we wait.

While I still count the days, I rest in reassurance the answer ultimately is in God's hands.

Dear Kaiser Day Three,

We are still waiting for a call back. Apparently the said doctor is leaving for vacation today after the workday is done. I pray that said doctor calls today or God willing have one of his esteemed colleages call Clark. A call even to would say "we are still waiting for the CAT scan to be read" would be nice.

I finally got it today though. Clark and I have had some excellent doctors at Kaiser. We really have been spoiled by some of the best that Kaiser has to offer. When we had losses trying to have Emma, then conceiving Emma, having Emma, Kaiser doctors and nurses were there. Some of those same doctors and nurses are now people who we call friends (even 3 years after the birth of Emma).

Maybe it is because of the superior treatment we have had at Kaiser in the past that we expect more now.

Really a simple return call to Clark would be nice.

Dear Kaiser Day Two,

I seriously think the messages Clark leaves for said doctor go into the dark hole where calls are not returned. Our options. Let me see complain. I have done this plenty in the past and have even gone to the top a few times (which said doctor gets irritated by).

Sit in the waiting room of said doctors office until someone takes action (yes sir I have done this before). Send e-mails, yes sir, I have already done this as well and I stress I have done this on more than occasion. It should be noted that said doctor does not like e-mail and is old school this way. So we have to send e-mails to everyone around him to get his undivided attention.

So dear doctor, I am praying, as many other people are that the "suspect" spot you thought you felt as a new cancer spot is a false alarm on the CAT scan. And when and if you finally decide to call your patient, more importantly my husband back, those will be words you will tell him.

Dear Kaiser,

For years I spoke your praises (and many of our wonderful friends are employees of Kaiser), however today to be quite frank I think you suck. Yes, suck. I can find no better word for the way I/we feel about you today. Please let me explain.

A week or so ago one of your doctors told Clark he thought he found a new "suspect" cancer spot and that Clark needed a CAT scan. The doctor told Clark it was very important that Clark have the CAT scan read within 48 hours. Clark went to the CAT scan today and stressed to the personnel that he needed it read quickly per his doctor. The CAT scan personnel were like, "Um, yeah, we will try and have Walnut Creek read it by a week or so from now." REALLY! So, my dear husband called the doctors office several times today with no response. My husband did his follow up, is there a reason WHY IN HELL, as a Kaiser doctor you cannot fully follow up as well?

This doctor have been lacking in so many ways and this was the icing on the cake. You know my husband gets anxiety and his nerves are going to be shaking a little until the reading comes in. I do not think you really appreciate that.

I understand cancer is a science. You know the type of cancer Clark has, and since Kaiser treats thousands the formula is not magic to the chemo treatment and you make minor adjustments along the way. You have dropped six months worth of toxic chemicals in his body, but there has not been any "MindBody" treatments as Kaiser so proudly sings on their advertising.

I also strongly disagree when this doctor said they are only treating one patient, while it is true my husband is the "patient" but in every way cancer has effected Emma and I. SO in reality dear doctor you are treating the whole family because cancer effects the whole family. I guess it is part of the "MindBody" or "Medical Team" thing that needs to be a better part of the Kaiser cancer treatment.

Next time you think something is URGENT, remember that there is a patient and a patient's family waiting. You think that it is that IMPORTANT than grease the wheels and get the results to the patient.

We both know I can raise hell, but really it is YOUR job as a doctor as well.

And really I figured that in the last 6 months this blog has had over 5,000 hits.
MAYBE SOMEWHERE you will get the hint that I will do anything for my husband, the father of my child, and MAYBE PRAY FULLY you will get the HINT my husband is your PATIENT so treat him accordingly and get the CAT SCANS READ PROMPTLY-it is your job as his doctor.

Sincerely,

A member's wife who expects, no demands better service than this.

Lunch with Veronica T. Kneipp and a few Grizzly Girls

Here's to you Veronica. You were missed today but your "stand in" provided us with much needed laughter and pure amusement. Thank you and get well soon!

Mucus dripping child

This is for the mom who let her mucus dripping child come to school today. His snot dribbled out of his nose so much, his skin was getting red and irritated. Did you not notice it when he woke up that perhaps his puffy eyes and running nose might be infectious?

You were blessed that the teacher was more than lenient in letting him stay (and if it were up to the other teacher helpers, you would have been called). And even though the teacher did not call you, everything your son touched was cleaned with bleach constantly.

When your son was picked up and you were asked about his condition the response was, "I kind of noticed he was not feeling right." Really! We as other moms and helpers noticed as soon as he walked in the door. Oh and his finger that kept circling inside his nose searching for boogers was such a nice touch.

So thankful dear mother for letting your child come to class today. I pray to God that your son gets well soon. I pray to God my daughter does not sick because of your child. Having had just had chemo, my husband's immunity is shot. Next time you think about sending your "not feeling right" child with mucus and boogers to school, think about all the other people you are infecting. A simple cold in my household could be deadly.

I will not let my daughter miss school or other activities because most other parents' are responsible and keep their sick kids home. I pray the next time your son is sick that you keep him home in bed with his favorite teddy bear. He deserves it.

A new Tradition

Recently traditions were made for Emma and I. We left home and ran away on an overnight trip-yep just her and I. We left for Santa Cruz with the intent to stay the night and then go to the Boardwalk. It was awesome. The weather was perfect. I loved being able to spend time with just her-no telephone and no computer.

When we walked up to the Boardwalk, Emma said." Mommy this where the adventure begins". No joke. She thought it was diet Disneyland and it was. We arrived right when the Boardwalk opened and there was no one. Emma was able to ride all the rides she wanted with no lines (and she "won" a dog from a ball game). My best friend was able to come and meet us on the Boardwalk and it was like chocolate syrup on a wonderful ice cream type of day.

When we ended our time in Santa Cruz, we headed up the coast to Half Moon Bay. It was strange. We went from beautiful sun to downright cold fog and rain. I was not prepared. Thankfully we had sweatshirts in the car. We were going to go to our "favorite" beach there but we got out of the car and just about froze our little toes off. However, there were better plans ahead.

We drove to see Uncle Rob and Diana in Foster City and have dinner with them. My brother loved teasing Emma about the "worm" in her dirty dessert and she was not having it.

I am thinking we will do this on a yearly basis. I loved being able to focus on "us". I will forever treasure the memories we created. I am urging Clark to have an overnight trip with her as well before radiation begins.

Hopefully the "suspect" spot the doctor feels in Clark's right lymph node is nothing and after radiation Clark will be cancer free).

Clark's words

I have asked my wife to kindly let me take over her blog so that I may say a few words to all of you who have been so supportive through this ordeal. So here goes…

On Friday I finished my 8th, and God willing, final chemo session…. Yeaaahhhhh!!! It’s at this time that I felt it most appropriate to give a wholehearted giant top of the mountain scream of Thank Yous to you all. Thank each and every one of you for the meals, well wishes, cards, ears (in the form of listening that is… not physical ones!), visits, companionship at chemo appointments, and most of all… your prayers! My biggest thank you, besides God of course, goes out to my wife. Without her this trek would have been 50 times more difficult. We’ve had our ups and downs through this process and believe me some of those downs were pretty “down”, but we managed to make it this far and I hope we can grow that much deeper knowing that if we can make it through this we can make it through anything.

As many of you know, I lost my job about the same time as the diagnosis with cancer. I pretty much took it in stride knowing God was in charge of this process and wasn’t all that concerned, but as time went on and the chemo sessions were getting closer to the end I got way more anxious as to what I was going to do when this was all over. This really hit me hard. Staying at home and vegging on TV, I saw news report after news report explaining how excruciating dismal the job market is. I let this get to me. I became complacent and forgot about who was really in charge with this process. In the beginning, I had such faith (well sort of, when I first got diagnosed I did struggle a bit, but after a few prayers it didn’t last long) that no matter what, God was going to get my family and me through this. (Cliché alert!) The air seemed sweeter, the grass seemed greener, traffic was a treat, and bad restaurant service was mild entertainment… I really felt that this cancer was not going to control me. However as the treatments continued I got complacent. I didn’t pray as much, I vegged on hours of TV, I found reasons not to fellowship with friends and loved ones and all of a sudden I started to feel anxious. I let fear of not finding a job, fear of returning cancer and fear of not being able to provide for my family creep in and take control. I still don’t know what the future holds for me, but after some sound fellowship, realization that God is there and getting back to putting him in focus that fear is quickly ebbing away. I still don’t know what the future holds. I still have to battle this disease. I still have to find something out there to provide for my family, but I know I don’t have to do it alone. I know God is with me. I know that when I trust in him things ALWAYS work out in the end. I’ve had two significant events in my life where I remembered to trust in God and he has pulled me through. Once, when I was about to lose my apartment and another time when I was about to be the product of a prior layoff. Both times God answered prayers. Why would this be any different? Is God’s ability to handle cancer AND find me a job too great for him to handle?

I know I’ve spoken a lot about God and what he’s done in my life and the peace I find in him. And I know that some of you reading this blog may get a little put off by all the “God reliance”, but let me tell you, I KNOW he is there. I may not find the “dream” job and I may not completely beat all of the cancer, but I know there will be some good from all of this. I know this because when I put the focus on Jesus, my lord and savior, things have always worked out in the end. They didn’t always work out in the ways I planned or wanted, but they did work out and at the risk of using yet another cliché… for the better!

They say, (yeah I know… who are they? I’ve always wondered that myself) they say that events like going through cancer changes you. Up to about the end I really haven’t felt much different. I still say inappropriate jokes, make stupid mistakes, lay around the house like a lazy slug at times, get amped up over world events, but all that aside I do, now, actually feel different. I feel life is too short. We are all born to die. Some of us die in plane or auto crashes; some die of drowning; others of heinous crimes; Still others from horrible diseases like cancer. I truly don’t believe this is my time. I know I don’t want to go just yet. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to enjoy more time with my wife. I’d like to share a deeper bond with my family. I still feel there are a lot more things to enjoy and do in this life. I’m still a work in progress - always have been; has cancer changed my life? Yes, and it has changed my outlook on life. Will I still fall back into a humdrum existence? Will I still get gripped with fear? Will I still make ginormous mistakes? Most probably yes, yes and oh he** yes! But just knowing and remembering that I made it through this with God’s love and all the support from folks like you, those set backs should be far and few between. Which brings me back full circle.

I truly appreciate all the support you people have provided. I’m not the writer or blogger that my wife is and those of you who know me best know that I stink at returning emails (I am trying to get better though!), but I felt that it was paramount I send out this THANK YOU to you all and try and convey how much your support has meant. It has meant the world to me and I only hope I can be there for any one of you in your time of need. I know I’ve said it a bunch, but I truly don’t think I can say it enough… THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! God bless all of you…

-Clark

6 months of chemo almost done...

I cannot believe that it has been 6 months since Clark started chemo. With God's grace, Friday will be Clark's last day of chemo. Then we are off to the races for radiation and with continual prayer Clark will become cancer free.

I keep thinking six months. Six months where we have been surrounded by the best of our friends and the best of humanity.

We have been blessed by best friends and family and by new friends who have come alongside us and have helped guide us and prayed for us. The old friends who are like a favorite sweatshirt where comfort is always found and the new friends enlighten us and broaden our ways.

We have reached out to so many and so many have reached out to us. The meals that have come for 6 months on a weekly basis. What a God send! Yes, a gift. One of discussions that oncology said to us was to keep busy and we have. But the meals have taken a huge load off our minds on days where life is a bit nuttier than normal.

And at times when I have inserted my foot in my mouth, there has been forgiveness thankfully. I honestly think forgiveness is a gift that should be given freely and more often. I wear many caps in life and with Clark's cancer I have had to take on more. So sometimes when I think, write or say something it is a half thought. I know what is in my mind, but not everyone else does. I am trying.

Sometimes my thoughts are funnier than most (not always). Yesterday when we were at the pool with David, Kris and Delilah. David said something like, "We should get a dozen of those" and I said without skipping a beat, "I think we should get 12." The laughter that exploded in the pool almost caused a tidal wave.

And yes, what ease we have also found at times. I realized yesterday life is not hard, but where there is light, there is love and laughter.

Six months. We have lived more, laughed more, fought more and loved more in six months than many people do in a lifetime. Six months are almost done...

Preschool, swimming and Dance

Wow! What a day! Emma's first day of preschool, swimming with David, Delilah and Kris and then Emma's dance!

I have become "that" mom.

I realized tonight as I was preparing snack for Emma's first day of preschool tomorrow that I have become "that" mom. Emma's snack bag is packed, her clothes and shoes are laid out. Everything is ready for when she wakes up. I must also admit I too have my clothes laid out as well.

Now that I have become "that" mom her swim bag (and ours too) is packed for our swim play date after preschool with the Vanderbeeks.

Then next to Emma's swim bag, is her ballet bag (because you know preschool and swim are not enough). In Emma's ballet bag is her leotard, tights, ballet and tap shoes (given to us free-a prayer asked for and answered-Praise God!) along with water and a snack for after dance class.

I wondered when I became "that" mom. I used to obsess about order but in the last few years I got lazy. So now while I hate running late (but almost always do since I am not a morning person) and things are not organized I almost have an anxiety attack. No joke. Clark knows there has to be a flow from the time I get up to the time we head out the door. Any slight deviation makes me a little crazy and I really need to lighten up.

I also wonder if I will be "that" mom waving bye with tears in my eyes to my little girl tomorrow as we leave her in class for a few hours. I know for me pick up will not come soon enough.

I am packing Kleenex just in case. Yep, it is already in the bag because I am "that" mom now.

Mismatched socks

Mismatched socks. Yesterday I was cleaning out my sock drawer and came across several mismatched socks of various sizes and colors. It had been a long time since I cleaned out the drawer and I am thinking the receipt from Mervyns dated in 2005 proved it.

It was funny I do not even care about where the mates of the mismatched socks went. How wasteful I know, but really was I going to spend my time searching for the partners? No, I was in a dump mode.

If the mismatched socks served no purpose, had no meaning now or in the future it was going in a bag in which the fate is still undetermined but it is out of my drawer. And it is one less thing I have to deal with when getting ready in the morning.

In recent weeks, I, we, have purged in the playroom, our room and Emma's room. We have many things and it is getting too much to take care of so much. We have filled more trash bags with items to sale, give away or freecycle. We are not hoarders but really to be more simple would be great.

I was thinking as well about this in my life. I am struggling with wanting to go to Bible Study but knowing I need to be there. I am praying if I had less things to worry about then I would have more time to think UP.

Clark has been thinking this as well. He was able to ride his bike today. It was the first time in well over a month. He is afraid the tumor is still there to a degree but is thinking UP as well. Chemo is again this week.

It does not help that the PT told Clark last week that he had bone spurs based on x-rays done several months back. Since none of the doctors have mentioned this yet, we have to ask. But to be real all we care about is getting rid of Chester and his cousins, the bone spurs will have to wait.

And now it is time to get back in to mismatch sock dump mode...

Ever have a day where...

Ever have a day where
your hair stands on end
Where you just want to stick your tongue out
Ever have a day where
the view is always better from the top
Where you just cannot wait to slide down
Or climb up
Ever have a day
that nothing seems to go right
Where a love, a hug and a smile will make everything alright?
By Me

7 minutes of medical care

Clark and I have a friend who is a doctor at a major HMO. He recently told me the average amount of time that a doctor spends with a patient on a visit is 7 minutes. In those 7 minutes the doctor is suppose to analyze and discuss the patient's ailment or condition.

The doctor is pressed to see so many patients a hour, so many patients a day while returning e-mail and voice messages. God forbid if the patient cannot spit out the issue (which may or may not be physical but could be mental or both in those 7 minutes). The doctor runs late and a circle of irritation has begun for the waiting patients and ultimately the doctor. There is too much pressure by health care management to use a more efficient system when the bottom line could be hit but many patients care is sorely not met.

I think about those 7 minutes every time I visit our HMO.

What got my engine running on this is some posts on Facebook today. I saw a new friend who has a horrible illness post that he, "is sorta sad this evening... Far too many people that he knows, or that know someone that he knows, are experiencing hard times and even dying because they can't afford to go to the doctor... He wonders why we can spend millions upon billions of... dollars to go to foreign lands and end lives yet we cannot spend just a little to save lives here at home. He thinks it's time to take back OUR country and our gov't. VOTE!!!".

Then I saw other posts and I share them here:

"Know anybody that this applies to? We have personally disproved this twice in our family, both Madison and Susan have received excellent care and major surgeries when we had nothing financially - money was never even brought up during our time of crisis - the hospital and Dr.s just did what they do... if these new policies go into effect you probably won't even be able to get the procedures they had done!
"

I was out right angry over that one. I know so many people who do not have health care because they have jobs with no benefits or have health care but maxed out their benefits in a year because of a stroke or a heart attack and do not have the money to continue treatment. Maybe they are unemployed and cannot afford Cobra or they are disabled and do not qualify for Medicare or Medical and the list goes on.

Here is my absolute favorite posting I saw today:
"We do not let poor people do without health care, it's a myth"

Are you kidding me? Ask any worker who makes minimum wage about their health care and what coverage they have. Ask any person who lives at or right above the poverty line what their health care consists of? Ask a person who is not eligible for state assistance, their jobs do not offer health care and they cannot afford it how much time they go the doctors!

I know for us if it where not for the stimulus bill that covers a percentage of Cobra (and I thank God everyday for that), our savings would be depleted and our assets gone because of Clark's cancer. When Cobra ends I am not sure where we will go. Clark will have to be covered forever with no lapses (preexisting conditions like cancer will prohibit him from getting future coverage) and if we have to sell our house to ensure that we will. I could go back to work but our medical doctor strongly advised me right now not to (taking care of Emma and Clark can be much). Our future is in God's hands but I will use my vote accordingly.

And again I will think about those 7 minutes every time I visit our HMO.

Daddy, I think we are going to need a bigger pool...

"Daddy, I think we are going to need a bigger pool..."

Today when we were at the big pool at our Association (those yearly dues of $240 need to put to good use and daddy needs to exercise before his next chemo treatment).

We saw a shark. It was not any kind of shark, it was orange and black and scared the bejivvies out of me. Daddy and Mommy laughed when I jumped out of the pool.

"Fellow daddy and mommy, let's be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or the place to perform some kind of a autopsy on a toy fish... And I'm not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see anything spill out all over the pool."