Clark's words

I have asked my wife to kindly let me take over her blog so that I may say a few words to all of you who have been so supportive through this ordeal. So here goes…

On Friday I finished my 8th, and God willing, final chemo session…. Yeaaahhhhh!!! It’s at this time that I felt it most appropriate to give a wholehearted giant top of the mountain scream of Thank Yous to you all. Thank each and every one of you for the meals, well wishes, cards, ears (in the form of listening that is… not physical ones!), visits, companionship at chemo appointments, and most of all… your prayers! My biggest thank you, besides God of course, goes out to my wife. Without her this trek would have been 50 times more difficult. We’ve had our ups and downs through this process and believe me some of those downs were pretty “down”, but we managed to make it this far and I hope we can grow that much deeper knowing that if we can make it through this we can make it through anything.

As many of you know, I lost my job about the same time as the diagnosis with cancer. I pretty much took it in stride knowing God was in charge of this process and wasn’t all that concerned, but as time went on and the chemo sessions were getting closer to the end I got way more anxious as to what I was going to do when this was all over. This really hit me hard. Staying at home and vegging on TV, I saw news report after news report explaining how excruciating dismal the job market is. I let this get to me. I became complacent and forgot about who was really in charge with this process. In the beginning, I had such faith (well sort of, when I first got diagnosed I did struggle a bit, but after a few prayers it didn’t last long) that no matter what, God was going to get my family and me through this. (Cliché alert!) The air seemed sweeter, the grass seemed greener, traffic was a treat, and bad restaurant service was mild entertainment… I really felt that this cancer was not going to control me. However as the treatments continued I got complacent. I didn’t pray as much, I vegged on hours of TV, I found reasons not to fellowship with friends and loved ones and all of a sudden I started to feel anxious. I let fear of not finding a job, fear of returning cancer and fear of not being able to provide for my family creep in and take control. I still don’t know what the future holds for me, but after some sound fellowship, realization that God is there and getting back to putting him in focus that fear is quickly ebbing away. I still don’t know what the future holds. I still have to battle this disease. I still have to find something out there to provide for my family, but I know I don’t have to do it alone. I know God is with me. I know that when I trust in him things ALWAYS work out in the end. I’ve had two significant events in my life where I remembered to trust in God and he has pulled me through. Once, when I was about to lose my apartment and another time when I was about to be the product of a prior layoff. Both times God answered prayers. Why would this be any different? Is God’s ability to handle cancer AND find me a job too great for him to handle?

I know I’ve spoken a lot about God and what he’s done in my life and the peace I find in him. And I know that some of you reading this blog may get a little put off by all the “God reliance”, but let me tell you, I KNOW he is there. I may not find the “dream” job and I may not completely beat all of the cancer, but I know there will be some good from all of this. I know this because when I put the focus on Jesus, my lord and savior, things have always worked out in the end. They didn’t always work out in the ways I planned or wanted, but they did work out and at the risk of using yet another cliché… for the better!

They say, (yeah I know… who are they? I’ve always wondered that myself) they say that events like going through cancer changes you. Up to about the end I really haven’t felt much different. I still say inappropriate jokes, make stupid mistakes, lay around the house like a lazy slug at times, get amped up over world events, but all that aside I do, now, actually feel different. I feel life is too short. We are all born to die. Some of us die in plane or auto crashes; some die of drowning; others of heinous crimes; Still others from horrible diseases like cancer. I truly don’t believe this is my time. I know I don’t want to go just yet. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to enjoy more time with my wife. I’d like to share a deeper bond with my family. I still feel there are a lot more things to enjoy and do in this life. I’m still a work in progress - always have been; has cancer changed my life? Yes, and it has changed my outlook on life. Will I still fall back into a humdrum existence? Will I still get gripped with fear? Will I still make ginormous mistakes? Most probably yes, yes and oh he** yes! But just knowing and remembering that I made it through this with God’s love and all the support from folks like you, those set backs should be far and few between. Which brings me back full circle.

I truly appreciate all the support you people have provided. I’m not the writer or blogger that my wife is and those of you who know me best know that I stink at returning emails (I am trying to get better though!), but I felt that it was paramount I send out this THANK YOU to you all and try and convey how much your support has meant. It has meant the world to me and I only hope I can be there for any one of you in your time of need. I know I’ve said it a bunch, but I truly don’t think I can say it enough… THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! God bless all of you…

-Clark