A day of car ferries, drawbridges and fun

Papa and I

went with Mommy and Daddy

over many bridges


to the car ferry.




I loved going over the car ferries.

It was a rare treat.

Free

By Me

Imagine being freed
Not affected by any pain or suffering
Letting go
Being liberated
No qualms about the past, present or future
Having complete and pure love in your heart

Today is the day for me
I will not be imprisoned
I will not be restricted

I will stand up
I will be me

Being free
To be liberal
To be lavish
It costs nothing
To just be me

I will not be guarded
I will not be empty
I will be saved
And know I was free



Picture taken by Clark on 8/29/09

A much needed break

We had a much needed break today. Clark went off with a friend (who recently found out his dad has this really sucky disease called cancer). Clark said today was the first day since chemo he felt good. Which is awesome news.

Clark and his friend seemed to have a pleasant time away. My prayer is that Clark finds some peace soon. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him".-James 1:5

I pray for peace for us as well, but of course it did not help I accidentally deleted a message from his mom when she called today. I did tell him she called though and I thought I had deleted everything but her but deleted her and not anyone else instead. All was not lost since we have a back up system, but so not good.

However, while Clark was out, Emma and I, well we cleaned. Sounds strange for a much needed break but I actually got to sort, put aside and throw out stuff. In fact 7 bags of stuff.

And in a odd sort of it felt like old times. It is not often Emma and I have the house to ourselves. She was so good about helping me sort her toys and was so willing to let go of so much. I wish sometimes I was able to let go like that and I pray I will in the future.

How long until wellness?

We had two great days at the pool and then the down slide hit again. Clark says he has a 7-10 day window in which he feels sick after chemo. However, I am beginning to think it is an excuse not to move from the bed, couch or computer. It is much easier to live in the dark. Clark is argumentative and angry and he should be, but really dear chose what you are angry with wisely-Emma and I do love you and are here when you are ready as always.

Emma hurt her foot a few days back. I do not know what she did to hurt her foot but I saw blood on her princess dress and her legs. When I approached her and asked her about she cried hysterically she was not sick or hurt. Clark and I both had to hold her to find out where the blood was coming from. She was crying uncontrollably and took several minutes to calm down.

I think Emma's reaction does have to do with cancer. I contacted her doctor since she is also asking about daddy's sickness. Her doctor agrees. He is looking into resources for us. Pray that good things will come of this.

Wellness cannot come soon enough.

Yeah! The pool again!

Mini Me and I

took Daddy to the pool.

What fun we had!

Daddy is helping me learn to swim. Thanks Dad!

Cannot wait to go back.

Praise God!

Clark got up and walked the big block (which is the 8th hole of the golf course) this afternoon with Emma and I. Praise God! I was so excited by this small step so soon after chemo. Clark said his mind is not a NASCAR track with Tony Stewart on high speed at night anymore and he is getting sleep (being off steroids I think has helped this). Praise God! Clark needs to start moving after chemo sooner rather than later to avoid many negative health effects including blood clots.

HOWEVER, this is huge. On the walk, a dog came barreling out of the owner's garage. The owner was chasing after the dog since it had no lease. The dog I thought at first was going for Emma and I tried to shield her. The owner then said the dog likes kids (okay but I did not want Emma to be the dog's first victim) and the dog started to snarl at Clark. Then the owner stated the dog did not like men.

I love my husband to death, but instead of moving on, my husband stood there and put his hand out to this not so nice and very excited dog. I almost bit my husband at that point. Instead in my not so controlled voice I said, "You cannot afford to get a dog bite". I was not happy. In my mind I was thinking great not only does Clark have cancer but now he is going to get a dog bite? Really!

Please husband dearest next time the owner says that the dog does not like men, let's move on. Remember ER and medical offices are infested with germs that we would rather not have you exposed to. I love you too much to see you go through that.

Then not long after that, we went to the our HOA's swimming pool. Yes, that is right, Clark, Emma and I. Again PRAISE GOD! I was starting to feel better after last night's many trips to the bathroom and we swam. It was so perfect.

I think we worn Clark out though. He is asleep on the couch now. Praise God I believe my honey will rest well tonight.

Traci the 3rd wife

Traci used to be Clark's coworker and we jokingly call her the 3rd wife. She comes to babysit Clark and Emma when I have to go a general or Board meeting of the Livermore Moms Club (and she has come in a pinch a few times as well). Traci is just an awesome friend. Though I doubt she will let me again play with her Blackberry using Facebook while she put Emma down (tehehe).

Tonight Traci came a little early. Clark was tired but we managed to get Emma bathed and in her night clothes before 7pm. Luckily the gathering for the Board was pushed to 8pm.

I edged out the door with a zillion thoughts and errands I needed to run ahead of time. As I got to the gas station I realized I needed to go back home and lie down. The contents in my stomach were doing a jig. I missed the outing but know I would not have been good company.

Clark is in bed as well. He has more color in his face today but still feels nauseated. This will soon pass. I have to give him shots again this cycle to boost his immunity. I know this must suck to him since the doctor said he would be "D..U..M..B.." to go into Kaiser and pay to have it done by a nurse. I was going to wear a nurses uniform but really wearing nothing at all is better-just kidding!!!

Today when we were talking I told him how a 4 year old came up to me in church and said, "I have more toys than you" and in which I replied, "You probably do, but I have more than enough." Where do kids get these thoughts? Our house is small, our family is small, our fleet of cars is small and the amount of money we have is small, but we have more than enough (okay and Emma seriously has more than enough toys).

I however think the funniest thing I heard was between two little four year old girls clothed in pretty dresses and sitting in little peoples chairs outside of church. The teacher asked them what they are were doing and one of them said "Just BS'ing". I loved it because I know it would be my dad or brother who would so willing teach Emma to say this when she is four as well!

Thanks again Traci-you are the best and have a wonderful sense of humor-tehehe!

Yes.

The question has come up a few times now and so I will answer. Yes, Clark reads the blog. Sometimes when I write it he is near me and I ask for input. Other times he reads it the next day, but he does always read it.

What is written here is not always pretty and concise but either is cancer. I write what is real to me, to us, to our journey. Cancer has taken us places we have never been and places I would not like to go back (after all being together 24/7 for 5 months is a miracle).

I also know I am not the reason for Clark's cancer and am not the reason for his "speeding mind" (as his doctors call it). As a wife, you want to help, you want to nurture and take care of your husband, but sometimes you have to stand on the sidelines. Clark has to be the one to physically and mentally want wellness. I cannot be blamed, compared to or take responsibility. It is his decision to want to be mentally and physically in shape. To try and cover over the truth or alter what is so apparent is not healthy and the transparency of cancer can be seen.

My new frame of mind (and it is a work in progress) is that I will not engage when on the downhill. This is not impossible, but going to be hard since I too have my ups and downs. I cry at times when I am alone but know in my heart that this too shall pass. Emma is starting to ask as well and I have to be strong for her.

Chester and his cousins have long overstayed their visit and I realize now even after they are gone, the imprints they left will still be seen.

WooHoo no more steriods for Clark this cycle!

Clark's oncologist made a decision today to take Clark off Prednisone (a steroid) for the cycle of chemo starting tomorrow. Prednisone is a good drug but wicked in side effects. Here are some of the effects as listed on Google: stomach irritation, headaches, insomnia and important to note mood changes (including irritability, depression or aggression). I know he is happy to be able to stop taking it.

The medical team is also taking Clark off work until at least January 1, 2010. The stress of having to look for employment while undergoing treatment was a huge burden for Clark as a man to bear. His main focus should be on getting well and not worry about money. Clark was also feeling guilty about collecting disability and it was reiterated to him by the medical team that he should not feel guilty. What could have been an awful visit actually turned into a pretty good doctor's visit and opening up about concerns helped.

Chemo cycle 7 starts tomorrow and I pray it goes as painless as possible.

As for the little princess daughter. Today she was with Delilah and David. David took the girls to Ben Burgers. My dear, darling daughter likes to play choo choo train. This act is when you stand in line and place your hands on the hips on the person in front of you and the front person is the engine. Well... Little miss decided to play train with David while in line waiting for food. Unfortunately for David, his elastic shorts made him a fine victim for being "pants". Emma accidentally pulled on his shorts and they fell. Thankfully he was not going commando and he wore boxers today. He proceeded to tell us how packed the place was with lunch time goers and when his shorts hit his knees everyone laughed. When he retold the story we also laughed so hard. There is every a dull moment with Emma, Delilah or David.

You will be missed Ed

Today a neighbor died. Ed. Ed Meyer.

Ed and Camille lived here before we bought our home over 11 years ago. Over the years Ed would float over to our driveway or we/I would go to theirs to shoot the breeze.

During the fight for Springtown golf course with the City of Livermore, Ed and I were both in support of keeping the golf course open along with many others but we were in different camps. I purposely separated myself from the more radical camp. I was not willing to compromise the Board and the Association I represented at the time. Many feathers were ruffled within our neighborhood including mine.

Ed was good though. When it came to the "Watergate" so to speak of how we find out the City was even thinking of changing the golf course, Ed passed information to and from the different camps along with Don Nolte (the retired librarian of Livermore). Without the grape vine (and documentation) of what the City Council was thinking of, our movement would not have been that strong.

Somewhere along the way, Ed parked his car in our driveway and said he was sorry. He understood my position especially after reading my letter to Independent that was published March 20, 2008:


Speak Out
Kathleen Laing Schoening
Springtown, Livermore

In the March 11, 2008 of the
Contra Costa Time in an article
by Eric Kurhi on the background
report for the Northeast facilities
it was stated by Vice Mayor John
Marchand “Springtown folks,
stay involved. This is your opportunity
to make yourselves
heard.” I heard your challenge,
Mr. Vice Mayor. Yes, I am willing
to be accounted for. I am not
a public speaker, but I am going
to stand and let my voice be
heard. I urge my fellow
homeowners to welcome the Vice
Mayor’s challenge if you value
your beloved Springtown golf
course and the open space it provides.
Attend the town hall meetings!
This is our chance- don’t
let it slip by. Protect what you
hold so dear.
And yes. Mr. Vice Mayor, I am
the target audience in more than
one way when it comes to the
Northeast facilities. I was a golfer
before having a child (yes, I even
took lessons from Stan with Tri-
Valley Golf Center for years). I
am a long-term homeowner
(though to some I am still a newcomer)
and finally I am a stay at
home mom of a child who will
be of pre schoolage shortly. My
family and I are users of the library
and LARPD programs. But
what keeps us in Springtown is
the simple life.
Change is inevitable but preserving
open space is a must."

Ed knew one way or another our battle was coming to an end with the golf course and we needed to be neighbors again. His apology meant more to me than saving the golf course itself.

When Clark was diagnosed with cancer, Camille was going back and forth from the hospital that Ed was in, but she took the time to send an email. She wanted to let us know she was there for us and praying.

A day or two after getting Camille's e-mail, we also received an e-mail from the Vice Mayor. He too was praying for us.

It is so sad that Ed is gone but he is in a better place.

Springtown will miss you. Cancer simply sucks.

Countdown until the next Chemo

Clark spent the day in Mariposa with my dad (also known as Papa in our house). They have wanted to take this trip for months and with Clark's next chemo treatment on Friday they decided to just get in the car and go.

I know Clark misses his dad. His dad passed away when I was pregnant with Emma. So going back to Mariposa brings back that connection for him.

When my dad and Clark visited there today the water levels were low but Clark was able to show Papa trees that his dad had planted and now are quite tall (see pictures). Clark's dad once owned a marina in the Mariposa area.

When Clark came home, dinner was almost ready. Our guests were some of our dearest friends (Kris and David) and of course Delilah whom Emma refers to as her best friend. It was a long day but spending time with them made the evening so pleasant.

Count your blessings everyday

I was thinking how special it is to count your blessings everyday. To be blessed for your family and your friends. To be blessed to have food on the table, clothes and a home. It sounds cliche but really look around. To be blessed is more than enough.

And your blessings are all around and especially in you.

When counting your blessings know there is nothing more important than to have faith. That faith is a gift-a gift from God.

I think of my blessings often. I am always thankful (and richer in spirit) when I will count my blessings.

Our daughter who is a blessing.


Her goofiness which makes us laugh is a blessing.

A benefit for a child with Leukemia

I received this from a former high school classmate. I can only imagine what a parent goes through when their child has Leukemia. Please if you are able to help Cameron and his family contact Kevin.

Here is the information from Kevin:

Save the date! Sept 18th Friday at noon. Little Cameron, my son's best friend has Leukemia. Golf at Old River in Tracy! $100 for golf, cart, drinks, prizes, food! Proceeds go to Pereira Family. Cameron's Mom went to Amador High School and his dad Vic went to Cal High. PASS THIS ON, tell a friend, get a group together email me with questions at kjduke71@yahoo. Great excuse to take the whole day or a 1/2 day on a Friday.

LOOKING FOR HOLE SPONSORS AS WELL AS GOLFERS FOR THE SEPT 18TH FUNDRAISER -please email Kevin at kjduke71@yahoo.com.

The circus today

Let's all go to the circus today,
The circus today, the circus today,
Let's all go to the circus today



Papa and Emma

Papa, Uncle Rob, Diana, Clark and Emma

Clark and Emma

Clark does not like clowns

Emma and I

Papa and Emma

The Circus

The ride home

Dear God,

Dear God,

Please hear my prayers tonight. May I be comforted by your words and your presence. You of all know what is in my heart.

I take comfort knowing I am not alone.

Kathleen

Anger, faith, hope and love

I have thought and prayed about anger much lately. Anger seems to me a gun that has gone off carelessly. It captures unintended victims. The guilt, shame and blame game seem to be associated with it as well. Too much time can be spent in the area of anger and to love is a distant word.

Since Chester and his cousins came to play, Clark's temper has been hot and quick at times. His moods can be as easily swayed by heat, traffic, an annoying commercial or even the newspaper. The shadows I now call them loom and I never know when they will be cast.

To be honest I don't get it, but then and this is huge, I am not the one with cancer. I am not the one who feels the physical and emotional pain of cancer. I cannot image what Clark goes through. I can tell him time and time again that Emma and I love him and more importantly that God loves him, but I am just the wife.

Clark has gotten better about expressing what he is going through without anger. He catches himself and will tell me when he is tired, weak or needs something.

I am here, I try and tell him, I am here and you do not have to pretend with me or for me. I want to know what you are going through and a cry sometimes is better than a smile.

As I lay my head down tonight to sleep, one of many prayers I have will be that my husband be freed of any anger he has and may faith, hope and love be the languages he speaks.

Moon Light, Moon Bright

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” Author unknown.


This picture was taken with a pocket Canon of the moon above my neighbors house that is next to the Springtown golf course. Only image the true beauty it was.

Dr. Abbassi and Hormones

Last night was great. I was scared at first. It was the general meeting for the Livermore Moms Club (of which I am co-director of). The guest speaker was Dr. Derek Abbassi and the topic was bio-identical hormones, aging, etc. Dr. Abbassi is a long time friend and I was hoping for a good crowd.

The women who came made it an intimate affair. The old adage whoever was meant to come did prove to be true. The good doctor spoke of bio-identical hormones, peri-menopause, menopause, anything that we could think of and ask about as women and moms. Dr. Abbassi is a medical (OB/GYN) doctor with advanced training in Age Management Medicine as well as board certification in Women's Health. He disregarded his “talk” of the evening and spoke to us directly and honestly about the questions we had. It is not that often that as women we have an opportunity to ask about such delicate matters.

Thank you Dr. Abbassi for coming and making it worthwhile.

Dr. Abbassi can be reached at http://www.gottfriedcenter.com/

A belated anniversary dinner at Wente

Clark and I had a belated 12th wedding anniversary dinner at Wente Vineyards on Saturday. I had this gift card that someone had given me sometime ago and ironically the cost of our meal was the exact total of the bill plus tip. It was fantastic and a definably an exuberant diner.

I had been given the card as a present from a former boss to play golf on the weekend with Clark there. We realized that we might not be able to play golf together again if Clark cannot get full movement back in his shoulder so dinner it was.

My brother and Diana came out and babysat for us. It was so cute as we were putting Emma to bed, she said she had the best time ever with them. She adores Uncle and Diana. Sometimes when Emma gets so excited she runs the words together and says Uncle Diana as if they were one unity.

She also enjoyed the pizza they left behind as evident by the dipping sauce grin.

Clark has had a few hard days. Clark feels very achy lately and we are not sure if he is getting a cold (since Emma got a summer cold); it is from chemo or from the immunity shots or all three. He has been on edge and to be quite frank a bit crabby. It is a battle for him to eat right and try to get into shape. Clark has gained over twenty pounds since chemo.

Sometimes I wonder if too depression sets in for Clark. He has had the hurdle of getting laid off to having cancer in less than 6 months. The people who surround us have been awesome but I see the darkest moments in him and it is not pretty. Clark cannot have a smile on his face everyday but he tries. He tries so hard.

Take it easy

Yesterday I was in line at Safeway buying my 4 gallons of milk for the week when I noticed the lady behind. She was probably in her eighties and based on the food she was buying more than likely lived alone. The items she had in her basket were some of the items that my Grandma Laing used to buy as a long time widow. The sweater that the lady in Safeway wore, her sweet smell and the mannerisms were so reminiscent of my grandma. I had to look away because I could feel the tears starting to well.

Grandma Laing passed away a few years ago. She was my mom in many ways. Up until the day she died we spoke everyday. I still remember the night before she passed away from natural causes. I had called her about 10pm to say goodnight. I had just gotten home from work (back then I worked for a financial institution that was under constant scrutiny by the government and I had a hour commute). She was always telling me to slow down and take it easy. As if, I thought to myself at the time, as if. And now I know she was right.

As this recollection was racing through my mind, I saw an old friend and her daughter in the next check out line.

We had not seen in each other in long time and as we hugged, she asked how Clark and Emma were. I started to cry. The enormity of what we were and are going through just hit me and because this friend did not know Clark had cancer made it worse.

The poor checker was so polite and waited for me to wipe my tears away and gather my composure before handing me my receipt.

I glanced back at the little old lady behind me and could see the compassion in her eyes. The same compassion my grandma would have had (and I am sure in that woman's sweater pocket there was Kleenex along with a few peppermints).

I know if my grandma were alive today, I would tell her as I wiped tears away, I have learned to slow down and take it easy.

Our gift to you....

Dear Gift taker,

It was so nice last night that you decided to take a gift of a GPS navigator and an iPod charger from our car in our driveway. You must have needed it more than us. After all you tried two cars and a truck before picking up your most prized possessions of the moment. We hope you get some use out of them.

We did. You see my husband who has cancer loves to go on day trips when he is feeling well. So many of the addresses you might see in your new gift of the GPS navigator are wonderful places to visit. We were always delighted when we heard John Cleese's voice tell us where to go direction wise, especially, "Bear right, beaver left." We hope you enjoy those features as well.

I think we actually got the better end of the deal though. You see both my husband and I have the gift of being able to read a map and follow directions. The GPS navigator which you hold as your beloved token of your visit last night was a true luxury and not a necessity. Oh sure, someday it might be replaced, but for today we were not deterred.

You see we had a day trip planned today and that is why we noticed that you had gone shopping in our car. Our trip was delayed by a moment while maps were located but that is all. Our gift of knowledge today made our trip so much more of an adventure. So thank you.

We did file a report with the police department.

We just wanted to let you know-it is our gift to you!

Sincerely,
Us

Passages of your life

Have you ever thought about everything you have done in your life leads to being able to handle situations that you never thought you could? That passages of your life lead you to be able to say I can handle this now? That there is no option but to move forward. That you have nurtured and watered the way so that the light is shining and life can grow with God?

I truly felt this way when I have had to give Clark his shots the last three days. I said a prayer each time. I felt oddly comfortable when giving him the shots. No, I was not wearing the nurses uniform but tried to make it quick and painless. Clark and I somehow survived each morning.

I believe every passage in our live has prepared us for the next. It does not matter if you are faced with a mountain or a mole hill. It is just a moment that will move you forward. You can believe the naysayers or you can hold your head up and let your heart open. You can allow toxic situations or people to pollute your waters and allow no growth or you can be willing to grow with God.

We are ready to have Clark cancer free and we place that prayer in God's hands and we ready ourselves for the next passage of life.

Our 12th Wedding Anniversary

Twelve years ago today we wed at Sunol Valley Country Club.

Our wedding song was "When I Fall in Love"
(the version by Celine Dion).



"When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world
Like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many
Moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
(Will never give my heart)

And the moment that I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world
Like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many
Moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
(Or I'll never give my heart)

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
When I fall in love
When I fall in love
With you"

Happy Anniversary to my husband. May we celebrate many more years together!