Happy New Years! Mazel tov!

I cannot believe it is going to be 2010 soon. This past year has gone by so fast!

When I started this blog, I needed a place to let my feelings out, a place to feel free to describe what was going on with our cancer journey.

What was happened was way more than I could never image.

I found my passion again for writing. I found a place to connect to others and their hearts not just through the season of cancer we were going through but being a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom, a volunteer and just being a woman.

I never imaged that people would actually want to be regular readers. I really never imagined the feedback I got here, on Facebook, on e-mail and in person. The support, love and understanding has carried me through some transition times and so I say thank you!

Over the next few weeks and months, I will be changing the name of the blog. Of what I am not sure. Suggestions and recommendations are always taken under advisement. I figure with a New Year, there are New Beginnings and New Journeys (hey-wait maybe that will be the new blog name-A New Year, A New Beginning and A New Journey-need to think about it some more).

So with much love, gratitude and blessings, have a great New Years! Mazel tov!



Today Emma and I spent the day in Santa Cruz with my best friend Terilynn. Today will always be remembered for the day that Emma wrote her own name in the sand! The look on my face is one of a mother's pure joy! Notice: I am still in my Levi's and flip flops and it is December 30th!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Aren't you ready for Christmas to be over yet?

I could not believe an employee at a store asked me this.

The answer is No, Nope and Nada.

I am not ready for Christmas to ever be over.

We have much to celebrate. First and foremost the reason for the season is the birth of Christ. Though in reality we should celebrate Jesus everyday.

So I say Merry Christmas!

And dare I say Happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays!

There seems to be some movement that we should not take the Christ out of Christmas. I do believe Jesus loved everyone-Christian, Jewish or even Muslim.

And there is much we can celebrate. Just look around. There is magic in the air and it is not of Santa in his sleigh but of goodness, kindness and love.

Let the spirit of this season be the reason why you celebrate everyday.


As I say that, I pray for our soldiers, our veterans and those who serve our land and say thank you! Know you are loved and prayed for!

My dad was right.

I think my dad (also known as Papa) will say I never tell him he is right. In fact, there are many things that I agree he is right about (but politics is not one).

However, one of the things my dad will always be right about will be a real Christmas tree that is decorated and adorned with a star.

This year, Clark and I were going to put up a fake Christmas tree as we have for the last 3 years. When my dad heard this, he said nope, you need to have a real Christmas tree for Emma. Then he added he would pay. Now that was an offer we could not refuse.

So today, the four of us went out and got the tree. It was fun to be able to judge on which tree would be the best for us. Emma had no interest and had more fun running around the tree lot.

However, when we got home. Emma loved putting the train tracks together with Papa and seeing the train run.



Now the real tree is up, the train is around it and it will be decorated this weekend.

The smell of the real tree throughout the house is wonderful.

My dad was right.


Note: As a side note to my earlier blog about the sweetness of Santa, apparently Emma was scared of the Santa that went to her school yesterday. The class was on the playground and Emma saw Santa coming from the parking lot and freaked out. Thankfully her bonus grandma was there and was able to calm her down. I wish all Santas' were as sweet as the one at Disneyland.

Kaiser does Women's Health well!

This is one of those things I have been hesitant to write but then feel that as a woman if I can help someone else I should.

Kaiser does some wonderful things. One of the best programs they have, I believe is the Women's Health Department and specifically the Pelvic Pain Center. Prior to going there I had seen my GP and a chiropractor to relieve some of the pain.

I was not really comfortable with the chiropractor. While I got out of the pain initially, I could not see myself as a long term patient there. Especially when he was throwing out terms like "chronic fatigue syndrome". Then when I was offered a "membership" like program in the mail from them, I knew I would not be back.

When the chiropractor said he thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrome, I realized that I needed to see my GP and gynecologist promptly. I had by then started to chart when the pain was horrible and it seemed to have a direct correlation to my monthly cycle. I met with my GYN and GP within 2 days of me contacting them and they both refereed me to Dr. Simpson at Pelvic Pain Center in Martinez. What a blessing.

Chronic pelvic pain exhibits many different characteristics and initially I thought the pain was in my back and my foot. I found myself limiting what I was doing to try and lessen the pain. By limiting what I was doing in my life I was also excluding exercise.

At that first appointment Dr.Simpson spent over an hour with me. She figured out a plan that worked for me including physical therapy. That was a few months ago. Now, my pain is manageable and my quality of life has substantially improved. The physical therapist Mary has been the best.

I think the biggest accomplishment for me was when we were on vacation. I did not limp and I did not have back pain even though we walked everywhere for a week. Of course, I also have been properly fitted for a bra and a good pair of athletic shoes.

I now walk almost everyday and am trying to incorporate running. After all, I am on Jen's team for 199 Relay in May 2010. I have to be ready!

Kaiser does Women's Health well, especially pelvic pain management. I am so thankful. I have a quality of life back. Thank you Kaiser!

The indignities of cancer

From my perspective. In the last year I have watched my husband get sick, lose his hair and try to muddle through the indignities of cancer and the treatment that is needed to survive.

Watching him lose the hair on his head, lose his eyebrows, eyelashes and patches of hair other places was hard. Clark said at times he felt like a mutant.

When we had to use disability passes at places where there was excessive standing like Disneyland, Clark did not want to use the pass. However in the beginning many months ago, he tired so easily it was a necessity.

This time, Clark had his hair back and some energy. We got the handicap pass but he was determined not to use it.

To me there was no sign of being sick, until...

Someone asked me about the burn marks visible on Clark's neck.

I got mad. Silly I know, but Clark had just ended several weeks of radiation. I know he had suffered enough from the indignities of cancer and now he had his hair back, his journey of cancer was still visible.

I wanted to say it was anything but cancer. Somehow I wanted to scream what business is it of yours, instead I mumbled on how it was the effects of radiation treatment for cancer.

I think I am ready for Clark to be cancer free. I am ready to have the doctor tell Clark he is a cancer survivor.

I can only pray for all those who have suffer from the indignities of cancer because it must simply suck.

The sweetness of Santa

For the celebration of Clark ending radiation, a caravan of us went to Southern California for a week. There are so many stories, so many lessons and so many things to be thankful for.

Like the sweetness of Santa.

Somewhere between the ages of 1 and 2, Emma decided she did not like Santa. She would see Santa Claus in the mall and scream.

So on this trip, when we saw Santa at Disneyland, Emma wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing at all. Delilah and the kids lined to see him and Emma stood back.

The line died down and soon there was no one waiting to see Santa.

Then Santa in all his beautiful costume walked out of his studio ever so gently to Emma. He offered her his hand and she took it! Santa spoke to Emma softly and encouraged her to come back to his "studio" to take a picture.

This Santa was a present to Emma and as a mom, I watched as Emma overcome her fear of Santa.



I will not forget the sweetness of this Santa and the way he understood children.

The end of vacation....

Note: The only person missing is Emma's bonus grandma (Delilah's grandma).

More stories and pictures to come. So happy to be home.

Livermore Moms float tonight at Livermore Downtown Holiday Sights and Sounds Parade

I knew it.

I knew it before my daughter even asked the question. I knew it because my daughter is so much like me. I knew exactly what she was going to ask so I waited.

She looked up at me without pointing and said, “ Mommy, why is that lady so short?”

The lady that Emma was referring to was about my age but only about 3 inches taller than Emma.

The pressure was on. Do I tell Emma it is impolite to ask such questions as I was told when I was younger? Do I say nothing and ignore the question? Do I just say the truth?

Then the pressure intensified, the lady looked up at me as if waiting for the answer I was going to give.

“Emma, people come in all heights both short and tall”, I answered. The lady smiled and I thought for a moment I had passed the test.

Then Emma asked, “Does she drive?”

Now I could tell other people were eavesdropping and I could feel the pressure intensify.

“Of course she drives. Silly girl” I answered.

Now I had no clue if she would drive or not. I had no clue what the lady was capable of but I knew I did not want Emma to think this lady was limited in life because of her shortness.

So the questions continued. The questions continued because my daughter is so much like me.

$650

Think of what $650 represents to you on a monthly basis. To us, it is food, gas, insurance, etc.

Now, think if suddenly you had to come up with $650 extra a month without a raise. That is what Clark and I will be doing since the Cobra Subsidy that was passed as part of the federal stimulus act in February 2009 ended this week.

Health care though Cobra for us will increase by 65% next month.

Clark was told he had cancer 4 days before he and hundreds of his coworkers were let go as part of a known lay off.

We knew at some point the Cobra Subsidy would end. We were more than thankful while it lasted and that Clark qualified for it. We were more thankful that we had health care coverage while Clark has had cancer period.

When Clark was first diagnosed with cancer, we were told to contact PG@E for rate reduction and to contact state/county programs for assistance.

The only program we qualified for was getting health care for Emma under First 5. We choose not too since she was already covered under Cobra in which we were paying.

Kaiser does offer a low cost health care program for children as well.

Since we had a mortgage we were able to pay while Clark was/is on disability, we have retirement and a few small assets we were overqualified for all state/county programs. We were overqualified because we had too much. We had worked hard to acquire a bit piece of the American dream of having a house with a yard and it was too much. We strived to achieve what generations of my family had done before.

And yes the last year, we have been more than blessed not to have had to ask my family for financial help. If we are wise, we can maybe make it another year without drowning ourselves in the sea of debt and foreclosure that so many of our friends have gone through. After a year, it remains unknown.

I wonder and pray about the thousands of others that will not be able to afford the increase in the COBRA payments. I pray for them, because someday "them" could be us.

A Quick Note

So this is the last week of Clark's radiation. He tires somewhat easily and his temper is on edge all the time. I have to remember that I am not or is Emma the cause of his pain and anger; the cancer and treatment is, but sometimes it is hard. I am sure when everything you hold to be true is shaken and stirred and the future is unknown can be nerve wrecking.

I too, have really learned on who I can lean on as well.

Clark and I had a good laugh today though. I was using WD40 to get some crayon marks from a wall in the house (yes it works). Clark said to me, " You know I cannot stay in this room because WD40 causes cancer." Now, I am not sure if WD40 causes cancer or not, but we laughed. Really if you already have cancer, are you going to care about getting it?

26 reasons to be thankful this Holiday season

In no particular order~

1. My faith in God.

2. Times when I was weak this year, I was carried.

3. A husband who is trying hard to beat cancer.

4. My daughter who brings rays of light on rainy days.

5. A good pair of running shoes and a good bra (enough said).

6. Old friends who remind you where you have been and still encourage you.

7. New friends who take you on crazy adventures and encourage you to come along.

8. My family who can ground me like no other.

9. Realizing what really matters.

10. Friends who have the courage to say what needs to be said and still hug you.

11. The 6 months of meals we received from others while Clark had chemo.

12. Chocolate and caffeine because no day is complete without them.

13. An Ipod filled with music that is rocking.

14. Three trips to Disneyland this year and one more trip to go before year end.

15. Being able to wear flip flops, Levi's and a sweater still in November.

16. A mortgage that is paid monthly.

17. Learning to love more and forgive in earnest.

18. Learning to be wrong is ok and even life changing.

19. Knowing what it was like when the Raiders were a winning team.

20. Being able to indulge in hobbies like writing, photography and painting.

21. Having a warm bed to go to every night.

22. Knowing now how much both of my grandmas have influenced the way I am with Emma.

23. Silence is not golden with a three year old daughter in the house.

24. Diet Christmas (or AKA XMAS Lite) is the only way to go.

25. Knowing that not all friendships are meant for a lifetime but some are meant for a season.

26. Being Team Captain of the Livermore Moms American Cancer Society's Relay for Life Team in 2010. As one I cannot do this alone, but as many moms together we will be successful in raising donations to celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Giveaway

When I was little my grandpa used to read Reader's Digest. Now as an adult, I find myself reading Reader's Digest as well. It is a guilty pleasure and some months it takes longer to read through then others and then before I know it the next issue arrives.

I read certain sections before others and then go back to what I have skipped.

This month, was a great article called "Letting Go" by Litty Mathew. It tells the story of "The Giveaway" or Wopila. As the article states it "is a tradition of the Lakota Sioux, on the Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota that on important occasions-birthdays, weddings and funerals-they pass out gifts rather than receive them; including their own prized possessions."

What a great tradition to follow. To be so free to let go of what you value the most. Over time we all accumulate possessions that really should be given a life to someone else to be recycled, one could say for a new use.

I thought of my daughter's favorite possession and that is a bath lobster named "T". "T" was not new when it was given to her. "T" came from some special friends whose twin daughters had outgrown it. From the get go at 4 months old, Emma has loved this lobster. This love was only possible because "T" was a giveaway.

I think of how to instill in Emma that giving is always better than receiving and to "giveaway" is important.

In this time of Thanksgiving, where so many people are in need, a "giveaway" tradition should ensue, a valuable lesson from the Lakota Sioux.



Emma asleep in the car with "T".

A Night under the stars and so much more...

Last weekend, Clark took off with the boys to Tahoe. These particular groups of guys have gone camping together for years and this year they decided to rent a cabin. So with Clark away, Emma and I played.

One of the best things we did was on last Saturday night; Emma and I went with Kris, Delilah, Tori and Annaka for an evening walk into Sycamore Grove Park for "Dark Fall Skies" with Livermore Area Recreation & Park District (LARPD). Our park and rec program is the best in the Bay Area hands down. It was a chance to see the stars changing from summer to winter and possibly glimpse some early Leonid meteors.

For the first part of the walk, we kept the girls in their strollers. Normally we do not use strollers but it was pitch black with only a few stars and flashlights to guide us. However, half way through the 2 mile walk, we let Emma and Delilah out of their strollers.

Until the day I die, I swear I will never forget the screams of delight they let out. Emma and Delilah practically walked 2 feet in the air and it was pure joy. Kris and I laughed over the girls and their newfound freedom in a dark park under the stars. It truly was magical.

On Monday, my best gal from the East Coast (and a bridesmaid in our wedding 12 years ago) was out and stayed the night with us. I was so excited to see her. She thankfully stayed with Emma and Clark while I was at a meeting. When I came home it was about 8:30pm and my dear friend was sound asleep on the couch. I did not care because it was the most I had seen her in a long time. We pray all the time that Syndi, her husband and their daughter (who is only a few months older than Emma and no we did not plan it that) move back to CA. We miss them and would love to have them here again. God willing they will be.

Thursday I got to lunch with my friends from high school. I never ever imagined in my wildest dreams I would ever want to do this, but strangely now we connect because we are all women, we are moms and two of us have husbands with cancer. I love these lunches. It reminds me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.

Now today. Clark and I had not spent time with Emma as a family in sometime. We went to Tilden Park in Berkeley and rode the train. It was cold so we ventured further down to the Berkeley Marina to the Adventure Playground. It was awesome. Emma is not a fearful child so she wanted to touch, climb and play on everything no matter no rickety it looked. We both stopped ourselves once or twice from wanting to help her because really she did not need our help nor wanted it. We had to just let her be and it was wonderful. We cannot wait to go back!

Livermore Moms will Relay for Life

Our Reason to Relay

Fighting cancer is a team effort. The impact we can make together is much greater than what any of us could do alone.

Livermore Moms will Relay because we care about cancer. We care about the individuals in our lifes who have cancer and are affected by it. We will do our best to join others in finding a cure to all cancers in our lifetime.

By joining or donating to our team, you will be a part of a life-changing event that gives everyone in the community a chance to celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against a disease that takes too much.

Please make a donation, or join our team and help us create a world with less cancer and more birthdays.

http://www.facebook.com/l/c4440;main.acsevents.org/goto/livermore_moms

What is Relay for Life? The American Cancer Society Relay For Life represents the hope that those lost to cancer will never be forgotten, that those who face cancer will be supported, and that one-day cancer will be eliminated.

My husband has battled non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma since March 2009. All our 3 year old daughter wants to do is kiss Daddy’s owie and make it go away. As a wife I pray that one day he will become a cancer survivor. In the meantime, I will do my best to to take part in the Relay and help the American Cancer Society save lives by:

* Helping people stay well by helping them take steps to prevent cancer or detect it early, when it’s most treatable
* Helping people get well by being in their corner around the clock to guide them through every step of their cancer experience
* Finding cures by funding groundbreaking research that helps us understand cancer’s causes, determine how best to prevent it and discover new ways to cure it
* Fighting back by working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rallying communities worldwide to join the fight

Please support my efforts by making a donation or by joining my Relay For Life team. Together, we have the power to make a difference!

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/Kathleen.Schoening

Insurance Coverage Denied

I was reading in the November 16, 2009 edition of the Valley Times an article titled “Coverage denials a part of business” by Sandy Kiefmann. It was an interesting read about a woman who was denied health coverage by Kaiser because of breast cancer in 2004 and other medical issues.

The woman initially received a letter listing four reasons for denying the woman’s enrollment for Kaiser. One of the generic reasons listed in the form letter by Kaiser was non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

This is what caught my eye.

Now, there are two sides to every story as I am told repeatedly but it got me to thinking.

Once Cobra runs out and if Clark does not have a job with benefits, we will have to purchase health insurance coverage.

Will Kaiser deny Clark if he applies for coverage because of his non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma even though we have been Kaiser members for years?

It is a very real possibility. A friend who is a cancer survivor has given us some advice. It was never; ever allow Clark’s insurance to lapse whether it is for health or life.

We have been told that if Clark has to apply for new health insurance again he will be denied because of cancer. I actually think this is unconscionable.

You survive cancer and then are denied insurance because you survived it?

A health care worker also told Clark not to tell potential employers that he has had cancer. Yes, there are laws against discrimination but let’s face in the real world this happens much too often.

We will cross each bridge as we come to it. We pray that Clark will not be denied a job or future health care coverage because of the non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

In fact, we should push for legislation that prohibits cancer survivors from being denied health care coverage at all. NO cancer survivor should have to worry about future care and follow up.

Who cares? Who takes responsibility?

This has nothing to do with cancer. Nothing at all to do with cancer.

Scenario
A mom becomes aware of a child (other than hers) who is in potential harm and danger. She calls the police. The police call back and yes it “could” be an issue and the mother should call CPS. The police provide the mother the CPS phone number to call anonymously. The mothers calls CPS and is on hold for 45 minutes, has to leave her name and number (thus no longer an anonymous call). CPS takes almost 6 hours to call back. At this point, the mother feels that since the police did not do anything, why would CPS and goes no further.

This issue was discussed recently by a group of woman I had lunch with. At the table was stay at home moms, moms who were teachers, attorneys, CPA’s, etc.

This group of women is very much a mixed bag of moms who represent all walks of life.

The attorney mom said that the police had actually had a responsibility to call CPS since they now had knowledge of a situation and they were obligated to follow up.

The teacher mom said if she was in situation and the incident did not occur in her “working hours” as a teacher on campus, she would not feel a duty at all to do anything.

A debate then ensured on whether one is never really off the clock when they work in law enforcement, medical professions, teachers, attorneys, social workers among other fields and if they had an expectation, an obligation, to report the incident because they took an oath, had a credential, had a license that directed them to do so.

Many, many complication to think of. In addition, the above fields are short staffed due to the economy, budget cuts, lack of funding and anything else that can prevent one from fulfilling their job to the fullest.

And as fellow parents. Who are we to police what others do to their children, do we just turn our back and walk away? At what length do we go to protect the children of the next generation? What if it was your child in the care of a babysitter, a day care worker, a family member or family friend? What would you do?

So finally the question came back to the welfare of the child and at what length does a child have to be put in harm’s way before action is taken?

The answer comes back to who cares and who takes responsibility.

4 am wakings and radiation

The last few nights Clark wakes up at 4 am. He thinks about his health, money, employment, us and everything else that keeps his mind a racetrack. All the cars are on fire in his head and it is as if the lineup was for NASCAR. Clark wanders around the house and finally ends up in the living room to watch TV to wait for the rest of us to get up. I pray that he can finally put some of his “cars” in the shop soon. Clark needs to get some solid sleep.

Clark has had very few side effects with the radiation (besides the “racetrack”). He goes to radiation Monday through Friday for about 5-10 minutes a day. He has been able to bike in the last few weeks, nothing regular yet, but hopefully soon he can get on a regular exercise schedule.

A bonus that radiation seems to have over chemo is generally Clark feels better and is getting color back along with his hair.

Pledge of Allegiance

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands: one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

The next time you say those words thank and say a prayer for our veterans and those who are fighting to preserve our freedom.

God Bless them all!

Livermore City Council Meetings

Okay I admit I am a junkie, a local political junkie at times. I have been known to frequent Livermore's City Council meeting on a regular basis in the past. I wanted to know the leaders of the city where I live and the people who actually implemented the decisions. Last night I got sucked in again.

I had a few minutes to kill before a meeting and I found myself driving to the Chamber trailers. I walked in and it felt like the sitcom "Cheers" where everyone knows your name. Someone asked, "Hey, where have you been?" (there are a handful of regulars who attend these meetings). I explained about Clark and our life the last year.

The Mayor and Clark have both had Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

It was strange. There was a new City Clerk and a new Assistant Manager (the old one will be missed), but it was the same council.

There was a recent election but no one ran against the incumbents, however in the next few years a few city council members will be termed out.

There were students from a local Civics class (should be mandatory for all students I believe).

And there were others, because if you go often enough it does become like "Cheers" and I know I will be sucked in again because I am a junkie, a local political junkie.

One day tape, glue, kisses and hugs will not fix everything...

Today Emma broke one of the arms off of a doll. She came to me and said, "Mommy, please fix this. Do you need tape or glue?" Emma knows so far in her young life, when something breaks we try and fix it with tape or glue. So today was no different.

But I wonder about the day when tape and glue will not fix her toys, when hugs and kisses will not fix her hurt feelings. I know we cannot shield her from the pain of a lost friendship or a broken heart and I am not looking forward to that day.

At her young age, Emma has already experienced death and sickness. We lost two elderly cats in the past year. Every time Emma asks about the cats, I tell her, "Emma, the kitties went to a new home called heaven." This seems to pacify her for now. And sickness. With Clark being sick, she has had to see first hand how daddies are not always well.

We will try our best to shield Emma from known dangers and protect her for as long as we can. For now, tape, glue, kisses and hugs will fix most situations and for that I am glad.

Fake It Until You Make It

I personally think this statement is one of the most over processed things I hear. According to Wikipedia the meaning of Fake is a term used to describe or imply something that is false. "Fake" means false.

I am not sure about you, but I am raw, real and a work in progress. I cannot fake what I am not but I can try and fail, learn from it, live on and love more from it.

I really have been thinking much about this lately. Maybe it is because Clark and I both are getting back into shape. He loves to ride his bike and I am a walker.

And now, somehow I have found myself signed up for Jennifer’s team for the 199 Mile Relay next year (promoting donation through Organs 'R' Us "ORU"). I cannot show up on Relay weekend without having done some work. I cannot fake being in shape. I cannot tell my teammates I am ready if I have not done my part. Thankfully I have 6 months and hours of training to put in before hand. I also cannot do this alone. I will need the prayer and support of my family and friends both new and old.

I say both new and old, because I think it is important to widen your circle of friends. My best friend Terilynn I have known each over 20 years. In fact our core circle of friends have all known each other anywhere from 20 to 30 years. We are now scattered all over the world. So while we have come to treasure our relations, we also have created new friends that bring new perspectives and new ideas.

As a side note, I was once told I could not hold a role within an organization because it had been filled by a known friend of the leader. Okay, I understand, but what I understand more is if you are willing to take a chance. I look back now and I continue to see roles within this organization filled by friends of friends. Creating a clique and a wall to those who want to get in.

I know when Team Schoening: Team One Love walked in the Lymphomathon in June 2009 we were only successful because we had new and old friends walking and contributing. I pray that more organizations would take down their walls and enlighten their lives with old friends and maybe discover a gold relationship with a new friend.

Now today Clark cannot ride up Mt. Diablo. His body has been fighting cancer for a year, but perhaps he can ride/walk up the Sunol ridge. Clark’s body needs to find a new rhythm and strength. He also cannot do this alone. Clark needs prayer and support from us-his family and his friends both new and old.

Clark and I cannot fake being in shape but we can try and fail, learn from it, live on and love more from it.

Note: I know I will not fail my teammates for the Relay.

Momma, can you stay just one more minute...

Every time I put Emma down for a nap or at bedtime, she says, "Momma, can you stay just one more minute..." And I do. I know she is just trying to stay up longer but for me its those moments that I treasure.

The last few years have passed so quickly. It seems just like yesterday she was nursing and now she is a little girl. A little girl that in not so many years will become a young lady and then a beautiful woman.

I want to retain carefully those passages in my memory. I will know that I have cherished the time for just one more minute.

A little good news...

First off, in our Livermore family to San Ramon family trick or treaters contest, Livermore thumped San Ramon once again. Sorry,no other words to describe it. We had 51 kids compared to San Ramon's paltry 19 kids.

Thank God we had enough candy.

Approximately 2 years ago Design, Community & Environment (DC&E) out of Berkeley completed research for the City of Livermore on Northeast Livermore Facilities that indicated our direct neighborhood consisted primarily of senior citizens. We argued that the report was wrong and if the consultants had been in our neighborhood on Halloween night this year they would seen our neighborhood spills over with children.

Actually, the immediate senior citizens around us are like bonus grandparents for Emma and you know who you are Dave, Peggy, Camille, Joan, etc.

It was also very humbling when neighbors who I had not seen in a while asked about Clark. Nothing to me says more about a community then when neighbors say they are praying for your husband and your family. Thank you!

And lastly, Livermore Moms will have a American Cancer Society Relay For Life Team. We are just waiting for Livermore to put up their site officially and we are off.

When I put the feeler out within Livermore Moms for the American Cancer Society Relay For Life I was blown over that within 24 hours I had 11 moms and their families wanting to be on the team. We have much work to do in the upcoming months so I ask for prayer for the team, for our donation efforts and the end result. Livermore Moms will Relay because We Care About Cancer.

Aggressive radiation begins

UGH! UGH! UGH! Sometimes this journey my husband (and the rest of us) have been on for the last year has been loving, graceful, complicated and confusing. So many emotions and so many ups and downs.

Today Clark started radiation and to be exact, aggressive radiation. This was after the radiation doctor told Clark that he would have to have the aggressive treatment since Clark's cancer was considered aggressive.

The end date would be the first week of December.

So, I ask, if the doctors found Clark's cancer to be so aggressive why was radiation delayed? Clark told me today that he thinks his oncologist said that radiation should have started about a month after chemo. It has now been almost 2 months since his chemo was finished.

This has a test of faith for me. I have nothing left but to pray to God that Clark is healed of this disease. I also pray that for those in the medical field who have treated Clark with a nonchalant attitude.

You see when Clark came home today it was heart breaking. The radiation doctor said it was aggressive and yet the treatment was delayed due to paperwork, no appointments available, etc.

I will pray with a peaceful readiness that the aggressive radiation Clark is now getting will combat the bold Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma that Clark has.

Livermore Moms and American Cancer Society Relay For Life

Livermore Moms and American Cancer Society Relay For Life

One of the great ideas that the Philanthropic Committee has come up is for the Livermore Moms to participate in 2010 is the American Cancer Society Relay For Life. This means that Livermore Moms would have its own team and theme.

What is Relay for Life? The American Cancer Society Relay For Life represents the hope that those lost to cancer will never be forgotten, that those who face cancer will be supported, and that one-day cancer will be eliminated. At Relay, teams of people camp out at a local high school, park, or fairground and take turns walking or running around a track or path. Each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event. Because cancer never sleeps, Relays are overnight events up to 24 hours in length.

The Relay for Life in Livermore will start on 6/26/2010 at 9:00 AM at 600 Maple St. Some of fundraising events could include baked goods, garage sales, donations (asking 5 people to donate $20 would be an easy $100), etc.

Since teams are in the process of forming now, I asking those who would like to participate to e-mail me. We would like to see if there is enough interest from Livermore Moms to form a team.

And yes, I have a personal interest in this. My husband has battled cancer for almost a year. All our 3 year old daughter wants to do is kiss Daddy’s owie and make it go away and as a wife I pray the same.

So, please if you have any interest, contact me.

Kathleen Schoening

Co-Director of the Livermore Moms

Happy Halloween

A Halloween Tradition Continues Tomorrow

Every year for as long as I can remember my family has craved pumpkins together. This year thankfully even with Clark having cancer it will be no different. We gather as many people in our family as we can and it is BYOP (Bring your own pumpkin) craving event. Tomorrow will be the day.

Halloween 2008-Emma and some of the pumpkins.

We also have a pumpkin trophy. This trophy is awarded to the house that has had the most trick or treaters for Halloween night.


A graph is created by a family member in their respective city for overall total and frequency from 6-9pm ( it is certified of course). The graph and pictures of the pumpkins for each year are placed in the trophy.


Livermore has dominated the trick or treater trophy for 9 out of the last 11 years. We hope that this year will be no different.

Daddy and Halloween

Since I have been in bed for the last 5 days, Clark has to do all the work regarding Emma. From school to ballet to baths to bed and some food in between, Clark has done it all.

Since this was Halloween week for dance and school, Clark even to had to get Emma dressed in her Princess costume and do her hair. At times it has been amusing and other times I wish I had been well enough to help.

This will always be the year of Daddy and Halloween!

Shots and Radiation

A few weeks back Clark, Emma and I went to Kaiser and got our flu shots. I had contacted Emma's doctor beforehand and specifically asked if she should get the flu mist (a live virus) or the flu shot (a dead virus). I was told that Emma needed to get the flu shot based on Clark's condition.

So we are in the flu shot clinic and the nurse says, "Yeah, we don't like to give 3 years old the shot." I told her Clark had cancer and it was imperative that Emma get the shot based on her doctor's orders. The nurse's displeasure was obvious. It was like I was the awful parent who likes to have her kid get shots. Emma did fine with the shot. She did not squirm or shed a tear. She was a great team player.

Fast forward to earlier this week. Clark went to the flu clinic with his doctor's note in hand specifically saying he needed the H1N1 shot. The nurse said they were not taking doctor's notes and Clark would have to wait to come another time. So, my husband the sarcastic man he is at times, said to the lady,"so if I die from H1N1, do I blame you?" The lady looked at him. Clark went on to say,"So you are going to deny me the shot?" The lady looked at him and said "well we are not taking doctors notes" and Clark said, "yeah, I have cancer."

Finally, finally the lady got the point,my husband needed the shot and it was finally, finally given to him.

No one here likes shots, but if given the choice between extending my husband's life by taking a preventive measure, we will.

I say this as I have not left the island of the bedroom in 4 days. I have peered out the door and the natives must have had some type of tribal celebration and hope they get the cleaning crew to come before I leave the island.

Clark also went to his radiation walk through today. He starts daily radiation on Tuesday. There is finally light at the end of this long tunnel.

H1N1 and us

I am hesitant to write about this. In fact almost decided against it, but realized this too is a part of our life.

Last week Emma came down with a a fever and a sore throat. She was very sick and I took her into the on call doctor who said it was a virus. To be on the safe side we kept her home from school all week.

It was a full week of activities for me from Bingo, to a fighting breast cancer fundraising event, to the Livermore Moms Pumpkin Patch (such an awesome time), to visiting with my brother and finally "me" time. Always busy but I was really relishing the "me" time.

Clark had left on Friday for the weekend on a church mens retreat. After being together almost everyday for 10 months it was nice to have a little break.

But then...

I got sick. Diaherra, chills, sweats and the sore throat. It hit hard. I had to call Clark at the retreat on Sunday for him to come home. I could not take care of Emma and I could not take care of myself. Speaking was difficult.

When Clark came home, I was running a temperature. He called Kaiser. Thankfully I was able to keep the temperature low enough to keep out of the ER and see the doctor today.

However, I had/have no energy. None. Clark had to drive me and we took Emma. Clark and I share the same doctor. After a series of questions, the doctor said he thought not only did he think I had H1N1 but more than likely Emma had it the week before (but since the on call doctor did not do a swab we will not know). I was ordered to have a few blood tests, a throat culture and a chest xray. I cannot go out until the fever blows.

And poor Clark. Because of my sickness, our GP called his oncologist and Clark because he was symptom free had to get the H1N1 shot. We all had gotten the flu shots but the H1N1 was not available at that time.

For now I am quarantined in our bedroom until the fever breaks. The last thing we want is Clark to get sick, his immune system is already comprised and H1N1 could shut it down. The good thing is bonding I can hear Emma and Clark having. I hear lots of giggles and laughter and it does my heart good.

True Friends Make Life Real

Recently I had a conversation with a girlfriend that was just eye opening. We were in a gathering of women and what started out as a general conversation between the two of us turned very intimate very quickly.

She said "Look around this room, your husband has cancer, that woman other there was a child with a drug problem and that woman over that has a husband that died last year. Everyone here has difficulties of some sort or another. It is how you define yourself in those difficulties that makes you who you are."

Wow. My friend just gave me something to really think about. How is it that I define myself now (compared to a year ago) and how will I define myself in the future. Who have I been? Who will I become?

Then today I saw this and loved it "In light of the challenges so many of my friends face, my tests of faith seem so petty."

Another wow moment for me. Something more to think about. My challenges are so minor when others carry such heavy burdens. My faith needs to be so much more.

Thank you Julie and Christiaan for giving me some things to think about and keeping life real.

A follow up and the best

Some of you who read my last post have e-mailed me privately saying that patients need to be fully recovered from chemo before radiation and that is so true.

What scares me, yes scares me is that Clark is not cancer free. While the tumor is smaller it is still there. With such a long duration between treatments I have to wonder if the tumor will grow and I pray that it does not.

While I have been more than vocal about Clark's doctor I recently found hope within Kaiser. It has a new cancer treatment in Oakland. Apparently for example, "patients with a newly diagnosed breast cancer will have the option to participate in a clinic where they will be able to meet with a surgeon, a medical oncologist and radiation oncologist – all in the same visit – to get expert options and a coordinated care plan."*

What a great concept. In fact, recently a friend who works in Kaiser HR told us that if Clark needs to have treatment in the future to try and get into Oakland's cancer center. It said to be the best Kaiser place to be treated when you have cancer.

And truly when it comes down to it, you want the best. You want doctors, nurses and administrators to be the best and not numbed by seeing a thousand patients. You want understanding, compassion and follow through.

But ultimately you want to be cured. You want the best, because you deserve the best, because no one, no one deserves to have cancer.


*Kaiser Press Release-Northern California-May 1, 2009.

Radiation therapy walk through

Clark met with a doctor today about radiation therapy (basically using high-dose x-rays or other high-energy rays to kill cancer cells). We know he will have therapy anywhere from 4-6 weeks. Each treatment will last about 10 minutes and will feel like a moderate sunburn. His first walk through without actual treatment is October 28th. Fine, fair enough. We want Clark to be healthy again.

However, the business person in me wonders why it takes from 9/11 (date of Clark's last chemo treatment) to now to even set up a walk through of the radiation treatment. It seems that when he had his last chemo, the authorization and the first appointment should have been arranged for radiation. I guess when you have doctors, nurses, administrators, health care plans, patients and vendors it can be a snail's pace process. I wonder how many people get lost in this snail trail. Streamlining in today's modern age could speed things up making the process more effective and efficient for all parties involved.

It will be almost 7 weeks from his last chemo to the walk through of radiation . To me, that seems a long time. It fact, excessively long when you add in the fact that he still does not have an actual date for the radiation.

There is nothing like Fall

When I was a kid I loved summers. I counted down the days to beaches and BBQ's. Now as an adult, there is nothing like Fall. I love sweaters, wearing seasoned Levi's and flip flops (yes flip flops).

I love the crispness in the air and the leaves that fall from the trees. I love in the evening wearing wool socks, being near a warm fireplace and hot drinks.

Fall also indicates a countdown to the end of year and there is a certain rhythm to the months. September is back to school. October is Pumpkin Patches and Halloween. November is Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. December is full of holiday parties and Christmas dinners.

Then before you know it, the ball is dropping and the New Year has started. We are hoping when the fireworks go off in the New Year that we will be celebrating Clark being cancer free.

As an adult the years are going by too fast. Fall will come and go and next thing you know, we will be in the middle of winter. Well, as middle of winter as one can get in California and then it is spring, summer and back to Fall.

There is really nothing like the Fall...

O no Clark's Big Toe

Friday was a night of thrills to say the least. Clark rolled the outside trashcan over his big toe causing it to be a bloody mess. Normally we would just clean it up and move forward, but when you have cancer, sickness and injury take on a whole new meaning.

I remember when Clark was first diagnosed with cancer our general practitioner said at that time if Clark ever had to go to the ER, that we were to keep him in the car while I checked him in. Clark is under no circumstance to sit in the waiting room of an ER to see a doctor because of all the germs that are housed there. Needless to say, we thankfully were able to clean it up based on Kaiser’s advice and the doctor saw Clark on Saturday. He had to be given a tetanus shot and will hopefully mend soon.

As Clark wobbled about on Saturday, we prepared for a Latino wedding of a family friend. The wedding was huge. The music was live and the dance floor was hopping. Emma loved it.

It was a first for Clark and I. The wedding and reception was 99% spoken in Spanish. While we could not understand most of what was being said, we saw, more importantly, with our eyes the love the bride and groom had. Truly romantic.








Here is a video of Emma dancing. I said it is Take Two because a different video is posted on Facebook.

Paperwork Please!

In this day and age while getting medical care at an institution that promotes and prides itself on a computerized record keeping system, I had to shrug when my husband called the place to get radiation. The vendor said they are waiting for the paperwork from his doctor. I just about fell out of my chair when I heard this. Seriously. We have known since Clark started chemo that he would need radiation and the paperwork was just filled out by his doctor on Tuesday! I am not really sure why this was not taken care of beforehand.

The ambiguity in which Clark is treated by his doctor is nuts.

The vendor told Clark on Tuesday to call back in a week if they do not call him in the meantime. While it has been almost week, my husband is afraid to rock the boat and get back on the phone to find out where the paperwork is. So we wait, wonder and ask where is the paperwork please!

I am sure it is a bitter pill to swallow for Clark when I had to see a specialist within our medical group on Monday. I was referred to another area and that other area called yesterday. It really helps I think when a doctor partners with you and helps you be an advocate for good health. Enough said.

On to other things. We had such a busy week and time just passed by too quickly. Yesterday after school, we went with David, Delilah and Kris to San Francisco to watch the Blue Angels practice. Emma LOVED it and so did Delilah.

After coming home, I went and watched my best friend Terilynn play keyboards with the band Hazerfan at the Little Fox in Redwood City. I have seen them play before but there is something to be said when there is a fiddler in the band.