Kelli, Kelli, Kelli...

You know Kelli this had to be about you. Tonight when I saw you at the couples bible study alone your words said it all, "I just knew there was a purpose I came (not realizing that it was for couples) and it was to see you." Seeing you made me heart feel with joy. You are a ray of light. From the time we have met we connected and I believe in my heart we will always be dear friends.

Another MOPS mom, Melissa (who had had her own trials and tribulations and somehow made time for us) made a such wonderful meal last night and so did Nancy. Yep, somehow Clark, Emma and I were blessed with two meals. This is a great week for that since Clark has surgery tomorrow.

Speaking of my MOPS friends-Lindsey, Emma loves, loves Paddington. Hopefully she will realize someday how far that bear traveled to be one of her playmates. I miss each of you and keep all in my prayers. You are some of the best moms in the world and even better sisters in Christ. I love you.

And Kelli, maybe, next week you can wait by the bus stop either in your taxi or darkened Mercedes and perhaps I will be there...

Migraines suck!

Over my life I have had my share of migraines and in the last few months when they have gotten bad I would go into the doctors, get a shot in the butt and feel better. Except yesterday. We had a great trip, but I had the worst migraine. It was so bad, Clark ended having to drive (which of course he loved since he is feeling better).

So today I went in got a shot, got some preventive pills and some migraine pills. I think the total pill count is close to Clark's-how sad. However I can never be put in the position of not being able to drive again. My doctor was so sweet. He said if I called while I was in Monterey he could have ordered the shot for the clinic near there so the pain could have been elevated then.

As for the potty training, it seems to be going well. Emma is one smart cookie at times (as only a mother can say). Today Emma said "If Mommy poops then she gets a big chocolate, right?" Gotta love her!

Clark wanted crab...

so we went to the Monterey Aquarium, played around there and then had crab. It was a wonderful day.

I must be crazy and I still somehow survive

I must be crazy and I still somehow survive.

Today I took Emma to preschool, came home had lunch, took Clark to the doctor. Then came home got ready for the Livermore Mom's Board meeting.

Tonight was our transition night of Board positions within the club. So now I will be co-director with my dear friend Hana (Clark and I talked about this at length since I was already Board member of the club). The realization to him and I is that I have a desire to serve.

My perception of life is quite different than most right now (okay was probably more different than to begin with and I really think the other Board members are nuts to have me but who is counting?). But really, all joking aside it is a honor and a privilege to serve our club in this capacity and it is something I look forward to.

It is strange when people ask how I am doing, especially friends. I am not the one with cancer, so my answer is simple-I survive. I do not think of the whys, the how comes, the what ifs, I think of the here and now. Some days I think of the hour and the minutes and just try to get through them whether it is in laughter or tears. My husband is the one in the pain and the one who suffers. I can only be there for him and our daughter through the grace of God.

We have also learned to set healthy boundaries for our immediate family. Sometimes this in and of itself is survival.

And I have also learned you have to be a little crazy to survive and it is perfectly okay.

Gotta love her.

This morning as we were getting ready for church, Clark was in Emma's room chatting with her. This is what I heard Clark say, "What do mommies do?" and our daughter's response was "talk." Gotta love her.

So the potty training hit a stale mate with Emma in the last few months and stickers no longer became the motivator to use the bathroom. Since I do not want to have to change Clark's and her diaper (a little cancer humor here) I decided to use what I was so set against. I went to the store and bought plain M&M's. I hate, hate sugar as a tool but let me just say it works. Emma has made it to the pot every time. Gotta love her.

Tonight as I was putting her to bed, she was doing everything she could to stay up.

Ultimately she resulted in trying to read the letters on my sweatshirt (Golden State Warriors- mind you) and then asking," Mommy, what is the NBA?"

Seriously last night I had to explain what an exclamation point was at the end of a sentence. Gotta love her!

Good times

Today was a busy morning of cleaning house while Clark and Emma ran errands.

After errands, I drove Emma to a birthday party (and it was only ten houses down from ours but seriously my stomach was not well). She ate, played in the jump house and was fascinated by the Princess balloon maker.

We went home after a while and the three of us napped.

Then off to our new friends house for dinner with other couples from our Fire Proof study from church. Of course, once you break bread with a new friend, I believe they are no longer new friends, but become an old friend. An old friend that you have now experienced the good times of conversation and an excellent meal with (and really Amber you outdid yourself).

We look forward spending more times with these awesome couples. We are so blessed that God placed them in our lives for this season-good times.

Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that Clark has cancer and then reality hits. Like, planning a party for Emma's birthday. Clark will have had three cycles of chemo by then and will not be up to having a house full of the germ carriers called toddlers running in circles around him.

So, we have agreed to have an off-site party for Emma with a limited amount of playmates. We still have time but I want to have everything organized before Clark's next chemo (okay sometimes I am a little bit of a control freak).

I also need to plan an intimate gathering for Clark for his birthday but have to do so around his medical appointments and his health.

And sometime this summer, I will plan a day for myself. I think that will be a birthday present for me. A day on the coast perhaps with my best friend or a book.

And blessings never cease to keep happening. Clark's brother called the other night. Clark and his brother have not seen each other nor talked since their dad's death a little over three years ago. They talked for quite sometime that night and tentative plans have been made to see his brother soon.

I just know Clark's dad is in heaven looking down with a goofy grin smiling at his sons.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I just forget Clark has cancer.

Gifts

I think sometimes there are coincidences in life but all are God's gifts. In the retelling of this story I am taking some liberties to protect those close to us.

Tonight Clark and I attended a workshop at Cornerstone for married couples. There were about 10 tables and at each table there were about 4-10 people. When we arrived we had the option to sit where ever we wanted. We of course choose the table closet the stage. At my right was a woman who clearly came alone but prayed that someday her husband would come with her and to her right was a couple our age.

Somewhere in the middle the lone woman complained she was cold and so the couple swapped seats with her. While seats were being rearranged at our table, conversation turned to occupations, where we lived, churches (the couple lived in San Mateo, went to church in San Francisco but had not been to Livermore's Cornerstone in sometime), etc.

The other woman at the table who was part of a couple said her name was Bella and she worked at the Camino Hospital in the OB/GYN oncology department. This made my head turn. A close family friend and future primary guardian to our daughter had been treated there last year for cancer. Bella asked her name and we spoke it. Amazingly Bella had helped our friend during her surgery and hospital stay!!! What a small world, what a God's world-we were able to praise God for our friend's triumph conquer over cancer as we will someday with Clark. Even now as we came home we are in awe. God's gifts are everywhere...

Coincidences or gifts...

Coincidences or gifts...

Emma woke up this morning and all she talked about Ian and how she wanted to see him. Since Ian lives in Oakley, we told Emma that she would see him soon.

Later at a restaurant in Pleasanton, we saw not Ian, but happily we saw Ian's Grandpa Bill who we had not seen in about a year.

In the mail today came some information from the American Cancer Society that I have been meaning to call on. The American Cancer Society sent actually what I needed.

Tonight when I unlocked a drawer to look for a very important paper that we needed for a meeting tomorrow, the paper was right on top as if wanting to be pulled out of the file.

Now I need to say something about the dinner that came tonight from some dear friends-David and Kris. Clark could not enough of it. His appetite seems to be coming around (but the pain is also back). There is still some hope for dessert tonight though not sure if that will be a coincidence or a gift...

Sometimes it just comes down to...

Sex. Yep, sometimes you have to ask if it is ok when your husband has chemo if you can have sex. And the answer is...well hope you will never have to ask...hehehe.

Clark is feeling better and is in fact talking about doing family activities between now and his next chemo treatment. This is a new family norm and it is kind of nice.

Clark was blessed last night to speak with someone from our church who has been battling cancer off/on for the last 5 years. This man shared some of his experiences with Clark and it was so uplifting for Clark to hear.

We went to a chemo class today. Information overload.

Cleaning up the rest of the paperwork clutter-

We got the Cobra insurance worked out for now and the disability. It will take a few weeks but everything will get caught up again-Thank God we have savings.

We meet with the attorney later this week to set up a trust (as if there will be any assets left after this) for Emma and guardianship. We have asked my brother and Diana to be primary guardians in case something happens to Clark and I. And then some of Clark's best friends come next (and of course you know who are). We will hope to have power of attorney done as well. Stuff that should have been done long ago and sometimes it just comes down to something like this happening...

No...Honey..

Me to Clark:

"No, Honey just because you have cancer does not mean you eat McDonald's french fries everyday."

A lazy day

Nothing is better than Emma's giggle...while Clark and I look on.

A New Day

Clark has little side effects from the chemo yesterday and is in less pain-THANK GOD!. Andy and Victor came over and watched the game with him. Now he is resting.

We have had so many people touch our lives lately that I need to give thanks~

Grace. We have dear friends with the last name of Grace and the name is a true definition of who they are. Shawn and gang-thank you for the beautiful cards and gift card. I love the bookmark as well. Your thoughtfulness is so appreciated. Someday we will be back in AZ to visit you and your folks. We love and miss you~

To my former mentor-Ms. Pickhover. Your strength and beauty as a woman I have always admired. I look forward to the video and the message. Someday the four of us will be back on the golf course.

The Southern CA Sieberts-Clark loves his gift and looks forward to it. Next year sometime we will have to go to Disneyland together with you.

Kris, Big D and Little D-how many times have we had to drop Emma and go. You are always there to help. We know David's healing will be faster than Clark's, but Clark will get there someday and perhaps the girls will not think that all dads have booboos.

My LMC moms-I love each and everyone of you. The outpouring of help and assistance of Emma, myself and Clark is much more than I could have ever asked. My heart is filled with compassion for each of you. The fact our provider for Emma is part of LMC (love you Elise) makes it that much more special. (also a LMC dad on our block has offered to mow our lawn next time-you are so on Micha-you can count on the phone ringing)

My playgroup-okay Emma's playgroup is the absolute best-thank you!!!!

And finally to my Jo-De-Ra family. You have been in our lives forever and will always be. No matter how far away we are (NC, Idaho, WA,TN, TX AZ, etc.). Our miles are vast but our friendships are so much more-never ending, never bending and never broken...love you.

Clark's chemo and my meltdown

Clark's chemo started today and I was prepared to deal with whatever aches and pains he had. Until, an aid indicated that the doctor had an appointment with Clark and I needed to pay the co-pay. So off I went to pay and do the paperwork.

Terminated is what they had told me. Our health benefits had been terminated. Clark had said he was going to sign up for COBRA and never did. He also was suppose to fill out his disability papers and never did. I wept. I no longer could hold it together.

As I made a dash to leave the oncology department, a gentle hand pulled me back and there was Paula. Paula, a Head in Oncology whom I had just met in the morning and had only talked on the phone once; an understanding soul pulling me into a back office where I cried. As I talked with her, others and ultimately the doctor I realized I had missed a piece of Clark's sickness. His doctor said it so well-it is like Clark is writing his signature but the pen has no ink. In some ways, Clark is in denial on dealing with the sickness and by not filling out the necessary paperwork it does not force him to think about the current situation. This made so much sense to me.

Once I understood, my focus changed. Clark has not gotten his head completely around this cancer thing and is still thinking in terms of cancer victim instead of cancer survivor. It might take more time for him to get there and I/we will be ready for him. I will in the meantime have to be super diligent on making sure all the fiances and other paperwork gets done.

And in all fairness to Clark, we were the youngest people there today. After almost 8 hours, we saw maybe two people near our age but none with a toddler our age. One of our biggest concerns is explaining to Emma about Clark's health, and his primary doctor suggested reading the Lion King to her-with the emphasis on the stars (ultimately God to us).

For now Clark is resting. He needs it. And quite frankly so do I.

Chemo date at Kaiser

Tomorrow is the start of Clark's chemo. He is looking forward to spending some more quality time with me I know. The past few weeks we have had all our dates at Kaiser-what fun! We can bring a non smelling picnic lunch tomorrow. Oh-can you feel the sun shining and the romance in the air while he is hooked with a drip line of chemo?

What I am looking forward to seeing is the best receptionist in the world tomorrow. You perhaps know her. The other day the bright smiling lady actually snarled at her co-worker for helping patients earlier than 8:30 am, which apparently is the real start time. Gotta feel the love there. Then when I asked for a Kaiser internal phone number based on a sheet she had given me, she happily said "Call the operator". I felt that the customer service was at its finest then. We will pray for her and the love we know she must have (somewhere deep inside).

With all joking aside, we love Clark's medical team.

We also love our primary doctor whom we do share. Dr. Smith was able to see me today after being he had been off for two weeks. I know I could have seen another doctor, but I firmly believe he treats Clark and I with the best care possible under the current circumstances.

I feel the same about Emma's doctor. It is a huge relief when you know in your heart your doctor is your health partner and we are blessed by this.

Emma's favorite song

Emma's favorite song


"He's got the whole world in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands.

He's got my brothers and my sisters in his hands,
He's got my brothers and my sisters in his hands,
He's got my brothers and my sisters in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands.

He's got the sun and the rain in his hands,
He's got the moon and the stars in his hands,
He's got the wind and the clouds in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands.

He's got the rivers and the mountains in his hands,
He's got the oceans and the seas in his hands,
He's got you and he's got me in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands.

He's got everybody here in his hands,
He's got everybody there in his hands,
He's got everybody everywhere in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands."

Thanks for little kids to remind us that He's got the whole world in His hands...

Thank you Brian and Erin for the delicious meal and time together tonight. You are a very special couple.

Seriously God two back seat drivers

Seriously God two back seat drivers...

As if over the last few months I becoming the primary driver on family outings was bad enough, now there are two back seat drivers. My dear husband and daughter. My husband grunts "Watch out you are getting too close to car in front of you" (even if the car is 200 feet away). And my daughter who sees a red light or stop sign a 1/2 mile away yells, "Red, light, Mommy, stop, stop, stop." Then when there is a go light, the daughter yells, "Green, Mommy go, go, go". The husband depending on his mood and medicine intake says either "Go faster" or "Go slower" to go along with the opposite of what his daughter is saying.

I understand I have priceless precious human cargo on board in my vehicle, but the comedy show between the two of them can be taken on the road but not while I am driving. Seriously...

I would like to take a minute to thank the church lady Betty (as Clark affectionately calls her or also known as the soup lady in our house) for dropping off the book "When God Winks At You". I am looking forward to reading it.

Clark's chemo starts on Friday. I have to believe that this is the turning point of getting healthy again-there is no going back-God willing Clark will be well again.

Last biopsy for now

Clark had his last biopsy for now this morning. They had him in and out of the hospital in no time flat. Tomorrow is the heart test and Friday is the start of chemo.

We felt like baby brokers this morning as we left our kid in the care of Kevin, (Rebecca and Ian) before the light of dawn in a parking lot near the hospital. Apparently Emma had a great time zip lining with Ian. Seriously this kid has quite the life when we are not around.

Tonight I had to go out. So Cindi and Ron came to babysit Clark and Emma. Cindi has one of the best souls in the world. She showed up last week with bulk toilet paper, paper towels and bottled water so we will not run out of the basics. Tonight she put Emma in the bath and bed, while Ron and Clark watched the BBC show "Top Gear". I have told Ron he is welcome to come anytime to watch this with Clark-this truly to me is the ultimate guys show.

Clark is resting now. May he find peace tomorrow with the heart test.

Odds and Ends

A friend said you are allowed to go to a pity party but you cannot take your coat off and you cannot stay long. I love that. Sometimes you have to feel the sadness of life to gear up for the next phase.

Some of you have experienced the "cancer ugly" that periodically can happen. With that being said it has answered some of the questions I have had over the last year. I feel blessed because sometimes in life you never get answers. All I can say is now I understand. After all it takes time to get to Stage 4.

Speaking of which, how did Clark know he had problems? It started with a sore arm last summer. Months of physical therapy and then a chiropractor who said something was not right and Clark needed a MRI (Thank you Harvey). The doctor ordered a MRI and it came back abnormal. From there numerous tests performed to where we are at today.

We have had some many people ask what Stage 4 cancer is - it is either do or die. My husband will get well or he will not. We of course are pulling all stops out for the first. So if you are on my husband's medical team, know, I will ensure he gets the best care possible and will pull out all the stops to make this happen. I believe you want this as well.

If you are a relative or even a friend, our door is always open but call first. Public transit runs within walking distance of our house so please make your plans accordingly. Our concerns are on getting Clark where he needs to be and making sure Emma is in a safe and lovable environment so keep that in mind.

If you do come and plan on staying more than fifteen minutes I might ask you to help with dishes, clean a bathroom or mow a lawn. At this point, I am not Martha Stewart and if you are coming over you are not a guest, you are family.

Many of you asked to help, please know we feel blessed by this. But right now I cannot remember what I did yesterday, so sign up at http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/613257/login/. This is where we will be going when help is needed. Right now, today, we know when Clark's chemo starts it will last until October at least. As things progress we will keep you posted.

The bunny rabbit was going to miss our house this year. Until this morning when we opened our front door and there were two Easter baskets for Emma. Our dear neighbors Dave, Peggy and Joan wanted Emma to have a little something-so thank you (And Peggy as you read this tomorrow with your morning coffee-know we love having you, Dave and Joan as neighbors).

Then Terilyn showed with a basket for Emma and a Safeway gift card for Clark and I. Thank you Brenda, Robin, Kim, Art, Terilynn and Adrian-our lives would not be as complete without you in them.

Lastly, today Clark, Emma and I went with my brother, his wife to be and my dad to Emma's first ever A's baseball game. Every daughter should be able to go with their dad to a baseball game and today we had two generations of that-someday many years from now we will bring three generations of dads and daughters. I look forward to that day.

Clark's thoughts for the day

Clark said today he does not think that Chester and the cousins will kill him; it will be finding parking at Kaiser in Walnut Creek.

Round and round we go, until a parking spot opens up, round and round we will go.

One more biopsy on Monday, a heart test and then the fun loving chemo will begin.

Many of you have asked to help...

First and foremost pray for Clark. Pray for the pain to lessen and healing to begin. Pray for our daughter who does not understand that Chester is preventing Daddy from holding her and at times playing with her. Lastly pray for me. Please pray that God gives me the strength that I need to hold it together with the help of family and friends. We cannot and will not go through this alone.

With that being said.

My angel, my right hand man, my best friend sent an e-mail to family and friends today. I am re-posting some of it here since I do not have every one's e-mail.

"I'm writing to first thank all of you for your support of Clark, Kathy and Emma. I'm also writing to ask for your continued help in providing meals or other support for them during this time. I'd also like to thank Susan for helping to coordinate the meals during April!

I've set up a website through a very special service that will help to schedule the meals - as well as anything else they may need in the future. Right now there are Wednesday dinner meals listed beginning in May, but I have not yet confirmed the dates with Kathy so once I have I will send a note to the group to sign up. In the meantime, if you are interested in helping out please join the community (info below) so that we can coordinate everything easily through this site. It will allow you to see what needs there are and reminders and alerts will be sent from that system. It will also allow a venue to share information and support.

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/613257/login/

Fill out the right-hand side of the form which is a Request to Join the Community (this is a free service). This will send me a message and I will approve it, and you will then be automatically added to the community and sent instructions for setting a password and signing-in.

If you have any questions, please let me know. If you would prefer not to join the online community but would like to help, please let me know and I'll contact you via email (or other) instead. My contact information is on the community site, as well as below.

With much warmth,
Terilynn Bench

trabenchick@yahoo.com."

Thank you dear God, for letting Terilynn in our lives for over 20 years. She is a shining example of what your light brings.

God places angels on earth and we are blessed to have them as friends.

God places angels on earth and we are blessed to have them as friends.

Last night we received a call from one of the Heads of Oncology at Kaiser. The woman said she had been contacted by one of our friends. I had been hesitant to contact this friend since every time we enter Kaiser we see his picture on the wall and know he must be busy. On more than one occasion our friend has come to help with little more than a thanks from us; and while we have not broken bread with him in sometime, he came to our rescue again.

The woman made me laugh because she asked how we knew this friend. I explained to her that we all went to the same church years ago and he and his beautiful wife headed a group there called Parents in Waiting (filled with couples who had issues having children). I told her that he was one of the kindest and giving people we knew. She said, "mmm... that is a different person than we know...". Which made me laugh because I could not think of him as anything else than what he has been to us and to see him in a different light was funny.

This woman wanted us to know she was there for us and gave us her direct number. I feel Kaiser now as a confident partner in our health care with Clark.

Today, I had to take the Mazda CX 9 for a recall. While I was there I asked if the back climate control knobs could be reattached since they kept falling off. Tracy Mazda said that this is not a typical warranty issue and the price was close to $400 for repair (the knobs are directly in front of Emma's car seat and she keeps kicking them off I am sure). I almost cried. The man then said "Mam, we are going to push this through as a warranty item, don't worry about anything. We will call you next week when the part comes in." Relief just poured off of me.

Our church has contacted us well. The outpouring of love and support is more than words can say.

Our friends-old and new-so many to be thankful for and who have already helped us.

Then, lastly, our dear friends from long ago , but never far away in heart (including my best friend Terilynn and Mike Challand) will be walking in honor of Clark in June for the Lymphomathon.

They have called the group: Team Schoening: Team One Love. Here is the link:

http://www.lymphomathon.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=300228&lis=0&kntae300228=AE518CC75EB64210B209F36DC436ACE7&team=3374297


God places angels on earth and we are blessed to have them as friends.

Stage 4

Stage 4, stage 4, stage 4.

The doctor said this can be potentially curable for Clark.

One more biopsy and treatment can begin.

We are ready. We have nothing left but hope and faith.

God willing Clark will get better.

Chester and his cousins just need to go home. We are not playing anymore.

An update from pure frustration

When we left for Clark's PET scan in Walnut Creek this afternoon, we were full of unanswered questions and pure frustration (see post below). Once Clark was settled in for his procedure, I called my one of very best friends-Terilynn. I told her what was going on and she said (and I think this is why God places best friends in your life) "why don't walk over to the oncology department and ask them what the third biopsy was for (so logical)."

I walked over and asked the receptionist if I could get some brief answers. She was not happy about it, but said the doctor would be out in about 20 minutes. So I waited for 20 minutes and then a hour. With no doctor appearing and Clark about to get out of his PET scan I had to leave so I left my business card.

As I was simmering, the doctor called me on my cell phone. He first said he was sorry (which goes a long way in my book). And in brief, Clark's first biopsy was on shoulder, the second biopsy (which will be tomorrow) will be on the neck and the third biopsy (date not determined) will be on the bone marrow. All this information including tests up to this point will help to make a defined answer on how far the cancer has spread. This made sense. He also changed Clark's pain medicine.

When Clark, Emma and I finally got home, my brother came by and Lisa showed up with food. A shoulder to lean on and food that nourishes the soul-we could not have asked for more.

Out of pure frustration

I am sending this out in pure frustration and in hopes someone can help. I have e-mailed everyone I know in Kaiser. If Kaiser cannot take care of Clark, then I will start selling assets to get him the care he needs. I am driven to get Clark well. Please say a prayer for us~God give us strength~

"Dear unnamed Kaiser Doctor"

This is Kathleen, Clark's wife. When I came home today Clark was quite distraught that someone from your office told him will have to have a possible third biopsy (including tomorrow)-the consult for it being on Friday. I want to know what the point is because he did not understand either.

While it was uneasy meeting with you last week, we understood the plan. However since then we have received calls where nurses are not sure why they calling and then having to call back. This is quite disturbing.

Our care are in the hands of you and your staff. We want my husband well however if we do not understand the plan or the purpose of the tests we then become uninformed.

I realize by the time treatment is actually started it will be well over a month since he was diagnosed. I see him everyday decline. His pain is not in control even with the new medicine. I/We have little confidence right now.

Is there a patient advocate we can contact?

Thank you for your time."

Prayers for Sandra Cantu.

We say prayers for Sandra Cantu.

God lifts you up to be with him, little one.

Happy Easter

The family picture

Every year for Emma's birthday we have studio pictures taken of her, Clark and I. Her birthday is not that far off now and Clark wanted it done sooner rather than later.

But really, I am not sure who melted down more Emma, Clark or I. It was hard to entertain an almost three year old while waiting for the appointment and getting her to sit for the pictures was next to impossible. Hour one passed and when we were on hour two, Clark's pain level was up and I was done.

However the pictures were great. The meltdowns were well worth the wait.

Tomorrow brings a new day that includes a PET scan for Clark. He gets to take some happy medicine tonight and tomorrow in addition to his pain medicine. Life should be good.

The family

A random Sunday

Today was no different than many other Sundays. Church, then nap and pure laziness.

Some of Clark's friends came over with food and though Clark gumped about having to fire up the BBQ, it was nice. It felt right. I looked out our bedroom window and saw the men hanging out by the BBQ in the backyard. It is what men are suppose to do. Bounding over beer and meat (okay no beer tonight).

BBQ and boys.

His camping buddies have already said if they cannot go camping with Clark this year at a national park, they will just pitch tents in our backyard and light up the fire pit. After all it is about beer, bounding and meat.

This Sunday was no different than many...

The Beach and saying goodbye

The Beach
Today was beach day. Sometimes in life there is nothing like the sun, the sand and the beach. Emma was excited about making angels in the sand and climbing the rocks (after all we were at her beach-the area in front of the Beach House in Half Moon Bay). It was the perfect place to be. Victor and Clark sat on the benches while Emma and I played in the sand.

At one point I looked up at my husband and realized this was one of the last times we would come to the beach before treatment begins. I never have thought of my life as in “last times”. So instead I am think this is a temporary time and when Clark is well we will be back. Everyday I see him lose strength and know he is in the care of good doctors but ultimately he is in the hands of God.

Whatever time today was, it was delightful and a cherished memory.

Saying Goodbye

Recently I edited my last Springtowner (the newsletter of the Association where we live). Here is some of what I wrote:

“Bittersweet. I recently attended my last Springtown HOA meeting as a Board member and it was bittersweet. This is also the last Springtowner I am editing.

The last two years have been a flurry of HOA meetings (HOA business had to get done), City Council meetings and Town Hall meetings all to keep the golf course open for the golfers and the open space it provides.

Getting to know the key characters in all of this was a pleasure from neighbors, to City Council members, local city employees and community leaders. I was blessed to get to know many people that I now call friends.

A special thanks goes to Dan McIntyre, the Public Works Director for Livermore on providing numerous articles for the Springtowner. Your input was valued and appreciated by many.

In passing, I hope hosting a City Council Candidate forum is something the incoming Board will continue to do (two City Council members’ seats are up this year). Setting up a City Council Candidate forum was not hard to do last time. Pick a date the Hall is not rented out, invite the candidates, invite the members in the Association and notify the media. If City Council candidates want your vote and want to hear your concerns, they will come. Stay tuned into city business by going to their website http://www.ci.livermore.ca.us/. Our voices and votes do make a difference.

I also wanted to thank the Pastors Rory and Pam Frink. Their church The Rock now meets on Sundays and Wednesdays at the Springtown Association Hall. If it were not for their church recently signing a contract for two days a week, our rental income would be substantially reduced during these hard economic times.

I lastly want to thank our management company. When Kim (now a dear friend) came on board as our manager, the operating of the Association changed dramatically for the better. I hope that the incoming Board and Association members appreciate all the hard work she does.

As I planned my life beyond a Board member, it included my future with my husband and almost three-year old daughter; starting a business, becoming co-director of the Livermore Moms Club, etc.

And then my life stopped for a brief moment…

My husband was diagnosed with cancer.

Nothing in life can prepare you for the news. Nothing in life can compare to the day you hear your husband has cancer. We are now fighting a battle not to save the golf course but to save his life. We are unsure of what our future holds. What I know now is my time and energy is to get him well. I need a husband and my daughter needs her father.

So for now, I bid goodbye as a Board member but not as a neighbor. Until I see you again~”

Manwich Night

If you are easily offended, skip this...

Today was like so many in the past. Emma and I spent the day with her playgroup at a local park and Clark went to the sperm bank (okay this is atypical). Yep, you read that right. Clark went to the sperm bank to deposit some of his boys so they will be frozen to be freed at a later date.

Clark came home this morning after this adventure and began to tell how he got lost going there, how nice the people were and how small the room was. Then he said and "They charged me money". That is when I erupted in laughter. I had taken care of most of the paperwork and majority of fees so all Clark had to do was show up and make a deposit in a plastic container. I said to my dear husband, "So they charged you to do the deed." Which of course then made us both laugh harder. Somehow it just seemed silly.

We are unsure what our future holds, but at least now we have options to have another child naturally or adopt (or maybe even do both).

So in his honor and manhood, we made it a Manwich night for dinner.

The trash still needs to be taken out...

Yesterday we saw how cancer can suck you in and make life dark.

Today was trash day and even if you have cancer the trash and recyclables still need to be rolled to the curb.

Clark has things he wanted to do when he was laid off from his job. One of things was arranging for a special trash pick up by Waste Management for the items that have accumulated on the side of the house. So, with him being foreman and Waste Management willing to pick up tomorrow, we managed to get our extra trash to the curb.

Never in my mind did I know there was a certain way on which trash had to clearly bundled and stacked. The foreman who was mentioned above was quite concerned over how I was doing my job, since knots had to be tied just so, boxes piled just so, etc. The foreman finally caved and allowed me to take duct tape to it.

He understands now why duct tape is one of my best friends.

We know cancer came knocking, but someday Chester and his cousins will be placed at the curb along with the rest of trash.

The cancer has spread

Today Clark and I went to his oncology doctor to find out treatment. We had been told that he would have chemo 2-3 times a week for about 3 months and then done.

What the doctor told us today was that Clark's cancer had spread and he had to endure another biopsy to determine how far. The doctor had me run my hands over Clark's neck and back to feel the lumps and bumps. The heat off of Chester was unreal. And apparently Chester has many cousins.

The doctor then said treatment would be chemo and radiation for an undetermined length. There are no words to say what this like except a never ending tunnel that one cannot see the light soon enough.

I told him if I could take the pain away for him I would~no one should have to go through this. Clark deserves so much more...

The power of prayer

Tonight was very special. Clark (and I) were prayed upon by the Tuesday night bible studies for couples (Fireproof Your Marriage) at Cornerstone in Livermore. It was an incredible. We are so blessed to have people like this in our lives who take the time to pray for Clark.

Clark said he did not like being the center of attention on stage and how awkward it is but he understands the power of prayer. After all being diagnosed with cancer last week and then his job ends today is a lot. (Clark worked for a major bank, was given fair notice, a good severance package and due to the stimulus package Cobra health care will be affordable-THANK GOD!). We know that the power of prayer is possible with all things.

We later discussed how incredibly lucky we were to have at our small group table some truly wonderful couples. These new friends, I can only imagine, will be in our lives for a long time.

Tomorrow we are off to the to find what the chemo schedule will be....