Clark's chemo and my meltdown

Clark's chemo started today and I was prepared to deal with whatever aches and pains he had. Until, an aid indicated that the doctor had an appointment with Clark and I needed to pay the co-pay. So off I went to pay and do the paperwork.

Terminated is what they had told me. Our health benefits had been terminated. Clark had said he was going to sign up for COBRA and never did. He also was suppose to fill out his disability papers and never did. I wept. I no longer could hold it together.

As I made a dash to leave the oncology department, a gentle hand pulled me back and there was Paula. Paula, a Head in Oncology whom I had just met in the morning and had only talked on the phone once; an understanding soul pulling me into a back office where I cried. As I talked with her, others and ultimately the doctor I realized I had missed a piece of Clark's sickness. His doctor said it so well-it is like Clark is writing his signature but the pen has no ink. In some ways, Clark is in denial on dealing with the sickness and by not filling out the necessary paperwork it does not force him to think about the current situation. This made so much sense to me.

Once I understood, my focus changed. Clark has not gotten his head completely around this cancer thing and is still thinking in terms of cancer victim instead of cancer survivor. It might take more time for him to get there and I/we will be ready for him. I will in the meantime have to be super diligent on making sure all the fiances and other paperwork gets done.

And in all fairness to Clark, we were the youngest people there today. After almost 8 hours, we saw maybe two people near our age but none with a toddler our age. One of our biggest concerns is explaining to Emma about Clark's health, and his primary doctor suggested reading the Lion King to her-with the emphasis on the stars (ultimately God to us).

For now Clark is resting. He needs it. And quite frankly so do I.